Attitude
“It looks normal like this, but when compared with my other leg, it’s apparently abnormal,” laughed Chong-Lan at her own words. Moving her toes around, Chong-Lan showed us her legs that are of absolutely different sizes. “It began to swell since December last year. It’s because of lymph liquid that my right leg is swollen. In addition to the pricking pain, it also gives me the burning sensation from time to time.” To cool it down, Chong-Lan liked to stretch her leg out of the blanket. She said that she should take very good care of it!
“Sore, painful. I don’t feel well neither lying down nor sitting still. My legs are rigid when I stand up. My thighs hurt and they become very hard. It burns and feels hot and scorching…” described Chong-Lan her own conditions. However, she was reluctant to follow the suggestions of Dr. Shih-Chi Chen and other nurses that they can install a Foley catheter for her or that she can use a bedpan. She was not even willing to use walking aids. Although she had to go to the restroom quite frequently, she would have rather tottered, with her back hunched like an aged lady and her weight on the right leg, and approached the restroom inch by inch.
As long as she could move on her own, Chong-Lan insisted to do it herself because these were the only occasions when she could still have some exercise. Most important of all, Chong-Lan did not wish to bring more burden to others.
Today, Chong-Lan’s boss, along with some female colleagues from the clinic, came to visit her in the hospital chamber. Out of their expectation, Chong-Lan greeted them with a cozy and relaxed look. “Thank you very much for visiting me,” said Chong-Lan with a big smile.
“You must have put on some make-up!?” Her boss wondered out loud. “You look awesome!”
“No, I didn’t!” said Chong-Lan. She asked if they were surprised.
“Wow,” uttered her boss in a surprised tone, “Did I take the wrong guess?”
Beside them, Chong-Lan’s eldest sister ended the debate by saying, “She looks prettier and prettier everyday in the hospice!”
“Yeap, since I’m here to alleviate my pain.” said Chong-Lan. The only thing was that her right leg was so swollen that it was difficult for her to walk around, whereas her left one grew thinner and thinner. “One side is a giraffe, and the other is an elephant!”
It was almost Chinese New Year. In addition to paying for her health insurance in the last two years, Chong-Lan’s boss handed her a big red envelope for every Chinese New Year.
“Rest well and stay healthy,” said her boss.
“I’ve done my best and there’s no more I can do,” responded Chong-Lan with a laugh.
“Just live your life as it was before!” Her boss told her that the most important thing in life is one’s feelings, which are also what accounts in interpersonal relationships, and that we do not have to care too much about being able to live longer or shorter since it was not the real meaning of life.
“I feel very happy here and feel surrounded by warmth!” Every time when Chong-Lan returned to Lotus du Coeur, she could settle down easily and tried to relax as much as she could, which was very different from many other patients’ unwillingness to stay for even one second. “I happen to be able to talk now. I’m very happy. In the past two years, it’s been me who’s enjoying my life. Sometimes I feel like a real queen! This week I can’t get a massage because I got an acute inflammation; otherwise, my family and the nurses always come to give me massages. I eat a lot and it’s the same when I go back home. I really feel like a queen!”
“Actually, I was already an optimistic person before.” Chong-Lan said that she would think about the upside as well as the downside. Since she liked to watch comedies, she would blend the gags into her real life and make it as a funny episode. In this way, she could adapt herself quickly into new situations and always think from the bright side.
Some said that Chong-Lan was thinking from the dark side when she decided to quit chemotherapy. They argued that, perhaps after some while, there would be more advanced chemotherapies and Chong-Lan could be cured then! However, Chong-Lan did not think in the same manner. She did not want to become constantly occupied by chemical medications. “I was not thinking from the downside. Although I gave up on chemo, so far I haven’t got the attitude that ‘I’m gonna die.’ I won’t be thinking that ‘I’m gonna die anyways’ and so just look at everything in a pessimistic way.”
What Chong-Lan was thinking about was that she might live a shorter life but she must live it more happily. Especially when she felt the love and warmth from people surrounding her, she really enjoyed it and felt ever happier. The only exception was when she was coughing very hard or when her leg was hurting a lot, then she would really feel that her deadline was approaching. “But coming to the hospice and with Dr. Chen’s attentive care, my pain is eased and I feel… erh, like the distance to death becomes a bit farther again. Also, the sisters come to talk to me everyday and give me warmth. That makes me feel really happy. My eldest sister told me that I have become prettier and prettier everyday since I came here.”
“Really!” Chong-Lan said, “I also have the feeling that I’m less and less like a patient, like I’m pretending to be one. I’m so happy!”
Skipping ageing, there are only birth, illness, and then death. In this way, everyone will remember her young and pretty look. Chong-Lan said that it was as if her lessons of life were compressed into one short class. She thanked God for his mercy that her cancer was discovered before she ever stepped into the next stage of life — getting married and having children — and that she did not have to worry that nobody would take care of her if she have had become ill at an old age. In particular, she thanked God for granting her the gift that her cancer was not the most tormenting type and that during her illness she came to know many things and many people and benefited from countless love.
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