JOEI

記下：被EJ二審退回的文章，在17/9 送到JOEI。

肉腳不再心酸

小時後恨死體育課了，因為肉腳第一名的我總是那少數幾個被老師淘汰不能參加接力賽的，而且不管量什麼體能紀錄，我不是跑的最慢就是跳的最短；國中時被體育老師叫出去做跨欄最糟示範，高中時還因為差點又被淘汰不能參加班際排球比賽，而在午休時暗自垂淚。唉，完全就是肉腳心酸史啊！

但自從做運動是自己的自由選擇時，我卻喜歡上跑跑跳跳，因為就算再怎麼肉腳也沒人管你，反而可以真正享受到運動的樂趣。

就在這樣的背景下，肉腳小螺今天在小逸板上留下了這樣的感想，宣告肉腳心酸史的結束以及肌肉小螺時代的開始 ;-D -----

=====
那個馬拉松，是啊，跟同學打賭十月中要去跑一半的馬拉松，只是目前距
離21公里的目標還遠得很哪，而且依照我的龜速，可能至少要三小時才跑
的完。上天賜給我神力吧！

那個陽光健康講得太過誇張了啦，現在生病起來還是照樣咳個半死呀。我
只是出國後開始對身上冒出肌肉有極度的癖好，加上年紀大了不可以再用
打架宣洩暴力(笑)，所以才會開始比較認真地運動。雖然仍舊是肉腳一
枚，不過我覺得好處多多，好像會比較有毅力一些，也會比較願意挑戰自
己的體能，而且像打網球的話還有社交功能哩。

對了，那天看到村上春樹的報導，說他會參加鐵人比賽呢！記得他寫到說
跑步是一個人獨處的好運動，現在可以跑稍微長一點點時也覺得是呢，長
跑的時候要很注意自己的呼吸、心跳，好像全世界只剩下這件事帶有意義
(不過大概只有肉腳如我會這樣 :-p)，跑完之後會有「Ah, I've
accomplished something meaningful」這樣的小小滿足感，然後計畫著
下次要怎麼調整才可以跑長一點、久一點。

卡驚喜

七月中後就嚷嚷著說要從德國來看我們的卡西鵡小姐剛剛從MSN上傳來訊息，本來以為是要實現諾言的消息，結果是更大的驚喜 (:=D)：

大喜一：卡西鵡小姐年底要變成卡西恩太太了！(明年八月婚宴)
大喜二：卡太太將從明年二月開始身兼卡教授，在清大教授電眼送光波。

小驚一：九月十三，我們一群比利時學生、僑民在歐盟總部前聲援台灣入聯的影片，竟然有傳到洛杉磯去哩；卡小姐從洛杉磯友人那邊看到我呆頭呆腦舉牌子的樣子。

永恆的日落

轉個身，我背向影子，探索另一邊的視野；
那頭  光影舞動，撩亂眼花。

豎起耳，有窸窣之聲，
瞪著眼，我秉氣凝神；
卻  是抑鬱啜泣，從耳後積累。

分了心，讓浪潮撲來，打在身後的一陣陣，
是  鹹濕淚水。

轉個身，我面向影子，心虛這一頭的忽略；
此廂  磕頭道歉，哭花了臉。

時正午，嘴巴說啞了聲，
日西下，眼神求祈寬憫；
可  影子只越拉越長，長
而  不作聲。

別過頭，我望向那邊，看見日頭急紅了臉；
怎奈 縱使拋在身後，長影仍舊隨形。

分秒  已消逝無痕，
可日  怎不復一日？
流去的時光只 將  影   子    拉     長；

焦躁的火紅未曾  從地景褪去；
不需拉著把椅子，
轉過身，我選擇那頭，背向無邊際的長影，
耳後窸窣伴著我
陪伴  永恆日落。

皮膚的顏色

不曉得自己是不是對這種事情特別注意喔，總之就是會對因為皮膚顏色引起的差別特遇比較敏感。

之前待了兩年半的種族大鎔爐洛杉磯，是一個本國人和外國人的分界只能用文件定義的地方，在那裡，連一句笑嘻嘻的友善問候都可能只是因為神經太大條沒選對辭彙而被指控為種族歧視。舉例來說，有次我到Rite-Aid (藥局超市)買感冒藥，處方籤給了藥劑師後還要排隊一陣子等著領藥。那時排我前頭的是位年輕亞裔女子，不過因為我的藥先好，所以藥劑師先叫的是我的名字，只是藥劑師憑著印象以為是前頭那位女子的藥便要給她，後來意會過來那其實是我的藥時，藥劑師便笑笑地道歉：「不好意思，我把你們兩個的面孔搞混了。」沒想到前頭那位女子非常不爽地回說：「哼，我們亞裔臉孔對你來說都一模一樣是吧！」

從這樣我覺得老實說有點over的地方搬到本族意識比較強烈的歐洲，可想而知差別有多大。當然大部份人都會把你當客人友善地對待 (就連在這邊出生長大的"外族人"也都是客人) ，但偶爾還是會遇到很明顯就是因為皮膚顏色而對你有差別待遇的「歇斯底里老古板」。會用這樣的稱呼是因為我認為很多這樣的人其實並非真正的種族歧視者，他們只是腦袋有點僵化，不然就是被新聞、報紙、電影給嚇得歇斯底里的可憐人；這些人被制約的反應不是「鈴聲—口水」，而是「有色人種—乞討/搶劫」。

最近出城兩趟，就經歷及旁觀了此種歇斯底里反應。

第一趟是和朋友們去義大利爬山，回來時入境瑞士山區要加油時發生的。當時德國天才肌肉男 I 把車停好拿著 pump 要加油，怎知怎麼按就是沒有一滴油流出來，於是他說有可能是要先付錢才能加油；眼看義大利放電正姊 E 正在晃神，而加油站也沒半個員工站崗，我便跑向一對正加好油要驅車離開的歐洲夫妻詢問。

跑到駕駛車窗旁，我用法文喊著：「不好意思，不好意思...」想說他們會拉下車窗跟我講話，怎知駕駛座上的先生竟然一臉懷疑兼驚嚇的樣子就是沒有動作。我不死心繼續喊了幾次：「不好意思...」，這位先生才小心翼翼地打開一小道門縫，仍舊是一臉懷疑兼驚嚇。我繼續用法文詢問：「請問我們應該要先付款嗎？」結果這位先生馬上從懷疑驚嚇的臉色轉變成 "你是智障嗎？"的表情，丟下一句：「你當然要付錢！」就大力關上車門，咻地開走了。

對這情形，我個人的解讀即是：歇斯底里老古板被制約反應。當下當然是氣的要命，不過又能怎麼辦呢？

第二趟也是去義大利，到 Lake Garda 去參加 summer school。回程時我們必須搭火車到 Bergamo 轉搭飛機，這次我是和義大利 couple – 謙遜狀元 D 和害羞素食 C – 以及盧森堡又壯又醉漢 L 一起。下火車時D和C走在前頭，中間是L, 我落在最後，由於 C 天生行動不便，所以下車時我們都慢慢來。當我還在車廂裡頭等著前頭的同學們下車時，車廂外突然起了一陣騷動，只聽見一個義大利女人連珠炮般地抱怨和咒罵，中間夾雜著一些辨識不清的其他聲音。

下了車趕忙問同學們是怎麼一回事，D 帶著不滿和抱不平的臉色解釋說，下車時這位義大利女士走在前頭，後頭則是個非洲黑人，由於下車時大家都一片匆忙，一不小心難免會有肢體接觸或碰到他人的行李背包；而這位非洲仁兄則是不小心碰到了義大利女士的手提包，怎知這位女士大驚小怪又小題大作，驚呼著說這位仁兄意圖要搶她的包包，還說要馬上叫警察來逮捕他。C 是當地出生長大的，無奈地跟我們說這座城市是義大利極右派的重要基地，所以這種法西斯的行為反應並非特例。

這種刻板印象的指控真的是非常之 pathetic 喔，好像在說某人長的像電影上的壞人，那他就一定是壞人一樣，殊不知這部電影的壞蛋演員很可能就是下部電影的慈善大好人，one's appearance tells little about him or her。

去年在布魯塞爾中央車站發生的 MP3 player 搶劫不成殺人案，一開始媒體也是言之鑿鑿地說根據某某消息來源，目擊者及錄影顯示都確定兇手是北非或中東人士，結果最後呢？是一個波蘭裔波蘭籍，白的不能再白的「血統純正」歐洲人。到底是怎麼樣把白人誤認為深色皮膚的人呢？這應該跟腦袋裡頭的被制約反應有那麼點關係吧！一說到搶劫，人們的灰色小小腦細胞就替臉孔不明的加害人漆上了棕黑膚色。

當然每個族裔和國家之間都會有些文化和習俗的差異，有些差異甚至可能讓人不可思議甚至無法贊同 (像我就必須說我會受不了某些非洲人不常洗澡的濃厚氣味，不過有些歐洲人也是喔)，但若是由這些差異來判定人心善惡就也太過無限上綱。我甚至覺得，如果不把歇斯底里老古板的被制約反應去除，兩族人就很難坐下來談彼此的差異，而不互相指控種族歧視。

Chong-Lan 2007 -- Part X

Gone

Her heart beat slowed, blood pressure dropped, and the oxygen density in her blood slid down. It was time to return home.

Madam Lin, the wife of the hospital director, rushed to the hospice chamber. At Chong-Lan’s bedside, she was handed over N.T.$100,000 from Chong-Lan’s eldest sister. It was Chong-Lan’s well wish for Lotus du Coeur.

“Life after life, one incarnation after the other, you are well fated to walk on the godly path. Keep on your good job!” said Madam Lin, who helped Chong-Lan to put on a necklace made of Buddhist beads and with the picture of Master Cheung-Yan. “Master Cheug-Yan blesses you and thanks you. Here is your red envelope of fortune and wisdom. Like the ear of rice printed on the red envelope, you plant the tiny seeds that will burgeon and grow into full grains. You will benefit many more others.” Madam Lin wished Chong-Lan the best, and she told her that the journey of life was like a trip on the train, which ascends and descends at all times, and that we only have to sit tight with complete ease and let it be.

It seemed that Chong-Lan was aware of everyone’s good wishes for her. She nodded slightly. Her lips trembled a little as if she attempted to say something in response. Just like all along the way, she insisted to thank people’s kindness even though she was already physically so very weak and so very lack of strength.

Dear family and friends,

This is your fairy Chong-Lan Shen.
Now, I happily return to the Heaven.
I am very grateful for all your love for me.
Hundreds of thousands thanks.

Chong-Lan 2007 -- Part IX

Content

Some days after checking into Lotus du Coeur for the third time, her bowel peristalsis ceased, and eventually, she could not digest anymore. Her cousin, who rushed to her bedside from Hsinchu, held up the cup carefully so that Chong-Lan could taste the lemon-flavored jelly fig through a straw. “I. Tasted. It.” said Chong-Lan with a faint breath, but you could still feel her happiness. The bittersweet taste of jelly fig was like what Chong-Lan often referred in Lotus du Coeur as “the taste of content”. The taste came back again and again to sweeten up her heart…

After some slight coughs, Chong-Lan could not help but closed her eyes and journeyed into her dreamland.

“Dragging this elephant leg…” laughed Chong-Lan when she was checked into the hospice for the second time, just before Chinese New Year.
“Don’t you want to draw on it a…” Dr. Shih-Chi Chen paused for a moment.
“An elephant!” Chong-Lan finished his sentence immediately. They looked at each other and started to laugh.

“The least patient-like patient is going home. Ha! Ha! Ha!” On the eighteenth day, Chong-Lan was laughing wholeheartedly because she was going home for the Chinese New Year. The nurses and the volunteers came to say goodbye. Although the ambiance was exuberant, it was somehow a little gloomy because Lotus du Coeur was goning to be quiet for a while without the Jokester. Her eldest sister just came back from fetching the pills that they had to bring home. “Twice a day. Take it with breakfast and with dinner. You have to break it into half and take only half each time. And this, take it only when you feel pain, and that, take it when it's necessary. These are the orange pills, and this is for coughing...” explained Hsio-Mei item by item. She was the nurse who was going to deliver her baby soon.

Chong-Lan, who was organizing her purse, took out a picture and said, “This is the picture that I plan to display in my funeral.” She looked a lot older in that picture. Even though she was 37 years old, many people thought that Chong-Lan was only in her twenties. The nurses and the sisters all maintained that she looked younger as how she was now and suggested her have another picture taken. “That's all right!” said Chong-Lan, “I'm a fairy and I'm going back to the Heaven!”

The old Sister Quan-Quan came in and gave Chong-Lan a big hug.

“I’m collecting your benign ‘chi’. Ha! Ha! Ha!” said Chong-Lan who was hugging the sister tight, “I wanna become prettier and prettier, and even prettier, and have a good path ahead after saying farewell! I’m absorbing your benign ‘chi’. How are you gonna deal with it?”
“I’ll give you all my best and pull everything bad to me,” said the sister with sympathy.
Chong-Lan responded, “No, no way!”
The sister told her not to worry, “I’m very old. It doesn’t matter!”
“Still no, even though you’re old. We both have only benign ‘chi’. There is nothing bad!” Chong-Lan always managed to bring our sad thoughts to the more positive side.

Hsio-Mei, with tears in her eyes, melancholically asked Chong-Lan to come to visit them in Lotus du Coeur. Half-jokingly, Chong-Lan commented, “Pregnant women like to cry!”

“Come to have a picture together,” Chong-Lan called out to everybody. Squeezing each other on the bed, her eldest sister pressed the shutter button and made her a souvenir. A sister tried to console Chong-Lan by saying that, “You have to believe that you’re not ill!” Chong-Lan replied that it did not matter whether she was ill or not, since she had struck the balance.

With everything ready, she was going to go downstairs and wait for her father to come to pick them up. Sister Quan-Quan gave her a kiss. “I’m so lucky and content!” said Chong-Lan satisfactorily with her eyes shut. “Happy Chinese New Year! Happy Chinese Valentine’s Day!” They were Hsio-Mei’s wishes for her, and Chong-Lan replied, “I’m very happy everyday!”

“Sister Quan-Quan loves you.”

“The least patient-like patient is going home. Here’s my kiss for you!”

After returning home, it was the ninth day of the lunar calendar year that Chong-Lan began to feel her strength vanishing. She checked into Lotus du Coeur for the third time and asked herself if it would be the last time? While Chong-Lan was sleeping, her eldest sister was worried that, although she had laughed, chatted and eaten a lot yesterday, Chong-Lan spent most of the time sleeping today.

Eyes open again, Chong-Lan said, “Sometimes, I fall asleep just like that. I even don’t realize it.” Chong-Lan felt hungry, so her eldest sister went to the kitchen in Lotus du Coeur to warm up some dumplings. It took only a few minutes, and the dumplings were still covered by steaming vapor on top. With tiny bites, Chong-Lan chewed and swallowed them slowly. Sometimes it was almost like a freeze frame shot and she seemed to be falling asleep again. “Today, it’s taking me enormous amount of efforts to go to the toilet, and I don’t know from when I won’t be able to walk,” laughed Chong-Lan, who usually finished her sentences with a loud laughter. However, it became less and less audible.

These two days, Dr, Shih-Chi Chen invited some patients to observe cherry blossom in Ali Shan. Although she was not able to join, Chong-Lan asked her eldest sister to bring the pictures from last year’s cherry blossom trip in the mountain. In addition to reminding herself of that beautiful memory, it was also for others to look at her cheerful faces in the pictures. Dr. Chen printed out the pictures immediately after coming back from this year’s trip.

“I’m coming this afternoon,” said Dr. Cehen.
“Maybe I’ll be sleeping in the afternoon,” replied Chong-Lan with a naughty smile.
“Then I’ll wake you up with the pictures.” Dr. Chen pretended to respond in a matter-of-factly way.
“Whatever. I’m not fired yet from Lotus du Coeur. So far, I’m here to stay,” said Chong-Lan.

The friend who was looking at her photo albums asked Chong-Lan if she went on this year’s trip to Ali Shan. Immediately Dr. Chen replied, “No, but it’s all right. I’ll make it up. I’ll invite Chong-Lan for coffee. I know at least some basic manners.” And, everybody was laughing out loud at his reply.

The next day, Chong-Lan’s conditions suddenly improved. Her cheeks were apple red with sunshine spilling into her hospice chamber. Everyone was joyfully taking pictures with Chong-Lan. Dr. Chen came to say hello and told her that, at noon, there would be a young child with leukemia checking into the room next door. You could see on Chong-Lan’s face that she felt really sorry. However, she never complained about her own conditions. Later on, this child was shrieking out of agony. The sound penetrated the wall, clearly and heart-piercingly. Chong-Lan did not mind, and asked Dr. Chen to tell the next-door child’s parents that it did not disturb her at all.

Every time when she checked out from Lotus du Coeur, Chong-Lan would asked her eldest sister to help her donate N.T.$10,000 to the Tzuichi foundation. “You should aim to become an honorary director,” said Dr. Chen, who came to encourage her when hearing that Chong-Lan was checked in again. Chong-Lan said, “Not bad in this way. If I donote N.T.$10,000 each time when I check out, I’ll have to check in and check out a lot of times so as to donate a million in total!” Then, Dr. Chen did a little calculation and said, “But, it will take a long time. Maybe I’ll be retired by then.” Chong-Lan said that when her time was up, she would like to donate N.T.$100,000 to Lotus du Coeur, in the hope that the Hospice will be able to bring warmth and happiness to more patients.

“I had a belly stroke!”

Pointing at her own belly, Chong-Lan told us reservedly that her intestine just suffered from hemorrhage. Her organs were perishing and her bowel peristalsis had ceased to function. It seemed that, in a split second, she was unable to eat and to insist that she must walk her way to the toilet, and finally she had to wear an oxygen mask. With her whole body collapsed in the bed, she was not able to move her legs even slightly. All she could do was – to wait for the arrivals of rounds and rounds of agony. Nevertheless, every time when the nurses finished injections and feeding her medicine, Chong-Lan still insisted to turned her head and uttered, “Thank you.” with the corners of her lip faintly moving up.

The intervals became shorter and shorter between each measurement of blood pressure and oxygen density. “I’d like to return home at my last moment” was Chong-Lan’s wish. In the very last few days, everybody was following Chong-Lan’s breath with full concentration. “Na Mo Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva.” Fearing that if Chong-Lan suddenly woke up, she might be panicked and confused by her own whereabouts, Dr. Chen sent over a sutra broadcasting machine, which prayed softly at her bedside day and night.

One day in the late afternoon, the hospital chamber was unexpectedly full of stir and movement. With great efforts, Chong-Lan opened her eyes and let out a shiny smile that had not been seen for several days.

“The situation is getting worse! We shouldn’t hide it from you,” said Hsio-Mei the nurse, who brought her newborn child to show to "Auntie" Chong-Lan before taking the baby home.
“I brought my baby to visit you.” Hsio-Mei, with tears in her eyes upon entering the room, placed her baby beside Chong-Lan’s pillow.
Chong-Lan turned her head to look and responded, “What a beautiful baby! Such a cutie!” and tenderly she touched the baby.
“I hope she will grow as beautiful as you,” said Hsio-Mei.
“Surly much more beautiful than me,” replied Chong-Lan.
“And becomes a fairy like you!” Eyes still full of tears, Hsio-Mei smiled.

Watching Hsio-Mei choking slightly with low sobs, Chong-Lan said, “Please don’t feel sad. I’m very grateful for all your care for me. Thank you so much!” As if exhausting her last bit of strength, she uttered with rough voice, “I’m very lucky and very happy. Thanks so much! I really appreciate your sincere and truehearted friendship.”

Chong-Lan told us that she was so content and so happy, and she asked us not to feel sad anymore!