蕾亞語錄

1. 咦？天已經黑了。不過[路]燈還亮著，那我們假裝天還亮著，好嗎？

2. 我不是小美女，我已經四歲了啦！我是中美女。

3. 我已經幫弟弟取好名字了，叫作Leon。(據懷孕的蕾亞媽媽說，她堅持不肯要別的名字。)

4. 我還是比較想要妹妹。因為男生臭臭的。

5. ...(蕾亞由哭轉笑)...對啦，我忘記帶我的書了，所以我才在哭。

6. 妳去我家幫我拿書，我留在這裡，外面很冷，我的外套不好。...(幾經說服後，終於露出真面目)... 妳去我家就好了，因為我很懶惰，我不要出去。

7. 我畫卡片給Alia，她是我的copine，她的生日已經過了，我要把卡片給她。...(???)... 生日過了才可以送卡片啊。

8. ...(蕾亞在畫另一張生日卡)... 這是給我自己的卡片，我的生日已經過了，所以才要卡片。

Assumptions

It's easy to make fun of this story. Nobody, not even Nobel-winning economists, really makes decisions that way. But most economists—myself included—nonetheless find Economic Man useful, with the understanding that he's an idealized representation of what we really think is going on. People do have preferences, even if those preferences can't really be expressed by a precise utility function; they usually make sensible decisions, even if they don't literally maximize utility. You might ask, why not represent people the way they really are? The answer is that abstraction, strategic simplification, is the only way we can impose some intellectual order on the complexity of economic life. And the assumption of rational behavior has been a particularly fruitful simplification.

The question, however, is how far to push it. (......)

From: "Who was Milton Friedman?" by Paul Krugman
(the following responses to this article can be found at http://www.nybooks.com/articles/20015)

Critics

A quote from the animation Ratatouille:

Anton Ego: In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face is that, in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is more meaningful than our criticism designating it so. But there are times when a critic truly risks something, and that is in the discovery and defense of the new. Last night, I experienced something new, an extraordinary meal from a singularly unexpected source. To say that both the meal and its maker have challenged my preconceptions is a gross understatement. They have rocked me to my core. In the past, I have made no secret of my disdain for Chef Gusteau's famous motto: Anyone can cook. But I realize that only now do I truly understand what he meant. Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere. It is difficult to imagine more humble origins than those of the genius now cooking at Gusteau's, who is, in this critic's opinion, nothing less than the finest chef in France. I will be returning to Gusteau's soon, hungry for more.

(source of the quote: IMDB)

JOEI

記下：被EJ二審退回的文章，在17/9 送到JOEI。

肉腳不再心酸

小時後恨死體育課了，因為肉腳第一名的我總是那少數幾個被老師淘汰不能參加接力賽的，而且不管量什麼體能紀錄，我不是跑的最慢就是跳的最短；國中時被體育老師叫出去做跨欄最糟示範，高中時還因為差點又被淘汰不能參加班際排球比賽，而在午休時暗自垂淚。唉，完全就是肉腳心酸史啊！

但自從做運動是自己的自由選擇時，我卻喜歡上跑跑跳跳，因為就算再怎麼肉腳也沒人管你，反而可以真正享受到運動的樂趣。

就在這樣的背景下，肉腳小螺今天在小逸板上留下了這樣的感想，宣告肉腳心酸史的結束以及肌肉小螺時代的開始 ;-D -----

=====
那個馬拉松，是啊，跟同學打賭十月中要去跑一半的馬拉松，只是目前距
離21公里的目標還遠得很哪，而且依照我的龜速，可能至少要三小時才跑
的完。上天賜給我神力吧！

那個陽光健康講得太過誇張了啦，現在生病起來還是照樣咳個半死呀。我
只是出國後開始對身上冒出肌肉有極度的癖好，加上年紀大了不可以再用
打架宣洩暴力(笑)，所以才會開始比較認真地運動。雖然仍舊是肉腳一
枚，不過我覺得好處多多，好像會比較有毅力一些，也會比較願意挑戰自
己的體能，而且像打網球的話還有社交功能哩。

對了，那天看到村上春樹的報導，說他會參加鐵人比賽呢！記得他寫到說
跑步是一個人獨處的好運動，現在可以跑稍微長一點點時也覺得是呢，長
跑的時候要很注意自己的呼吸、心跳，好像全世界只剩下這件事帶有意義
(不過大概只有肉腳如我會這樣 :-p)，跑完之後會有「Ah, I've
accomplished something meaningful」這樣的小小滿足感，然後計畫著
下次要怎麼調整才可以跑長一點、久一點。

卡驚喜

七月中後就嚷嚷著說要從德國來看我們的卡西鵡小姐剛剛從MSN上傳來訊息，本來以為是要實現諾言的消息，結果是更大的驚喜 (:=D)：

大喜一：卡西鵡小姐年底要變成卡西恩太太了！(明年八月婚宴)
大喜二：卡太太將從明年二月開始身兼卡教授，在清大教授電眼送光波。

小驚一：九月十三，我們一群比利時學生、僑民在歐盟總部前聲援台灣入聯的影片，竟然有傳到洛杉磯去哩；卡小姐從洛杉磯友人那邊看到我呆頭呆腦舉牌子的樣子。

永恆的日落

轉個身，我背向影子，探索另一邊的視野；
那頭  光影舞動，撩亂眼花。

豎起耳，有窸窣之聲，
瞪著眼，我秉氣凝神；
卻  是抑鬱啜泣，從耳後積累。

分了心，讓浪潮撲來，打在身後的一陣陣，
是  鹹濕淚水。

轉個身，我面向影子，心虛這一頭的忽略；
此廂  磕頭道歉，哭花了臉。

時正午，嘴巴說啞了聲，
日西下，眼神求祈寬憫；
可  影子只越拉越長，長
而  不作聲。

別過頭，我望向那邊，看見日頭急紅了臉；
怎奈 縱使拋在身後，長影仍舊隨形。

分秒  已消逝無痕，
可日  怎不復一日？
流去的時光只 將  影   子    拉     長；

焦躁的火紅未曾  從地景褪去；
不需拉著把椅子，
轉過身，我選擇那頭，背向無邊際的長影，
耳後窸窣伴著我
陪伴  永恆日落。

皮膚的顏色

不曉得自己是不是對這種事情特別注意喔，總之就是會對因為皮膚顏色引起的差別特遇比較敏感。

之前待了兩年半的種族大鎔爐洛杉磯，是一個本國人和外國人的分界只能用文件定義的地方，在那裡，連一句笑嘻嘻的友善問候都可能只是因為神經太大條沒選對辭彙而被指控為種族歧視。舉例來說，有次我到Rite-Aid (藥局超市)買感冒藥，處方籤給了藥劑師後還要排隊一陣子等著領藥。那時排我前頭的是位年輕亞裔女子，不過因為我的藥先好，所以藥劑師先叫的是我的名字，只是藥劑師憑著印象以為是前頭那位女子的藥便要給她，後來意會過來那其實是我的藥時，藥劑師便笑笑地道歉：「不好意思，我把你們兩個的面孔搞混了。」沒想到前頭那位女子非常不爽地回說：「哼，我們亞裔臉孔對你來說都一模一樣是吧！」

從這樣我覺得老實說有點over的地方搬到本族意識比較強烈的歐洲，可想而知差別有多大。當然大部份人都會把你當客人友善地對待 (就連在這邊出生長大的"外族人"也都是客人) ，但偶爾還是會遇到很明顯就是因為皮膚顏色而對你有差別待遇的「歇斯底里老古板」。會用這樣的稱呼是因為我認為很多這樣的人其實並非真正的種族歧視者，他們只是腦袋有點僵化，不然就是被新聞、報紙、電影給嚇得歇斯底里的可憐人；這些人被制約的反應不是「鈴聲—口水」，而是「有色人種—乞討/搶劫」。

最近出城兩趟，就經歷及旁觀了此種歇斯底里反應。

第一趟是和朋友們去義大利爬山，回來時入境瑞士山區要加油時發生的。當時德國天才肌肉男 I 把車停好拿著 pump 要加油，怎知怎麼按就是沒有一滴油流出來，於是他說有可能是要先付錢才能加油；眼看義大利放電正姊 E 正在晃神，而加油站也沒半個員工站崗，我便跑向一對正加好油要驅車離開的歐洲夫妻詢問。

跑到駕駛車窗旁，我用法文喊著：「不好意思，不好意思...」想說他們會拉下車窗跟我講話，怎知駕駛座上的先生竟然一臉懷疑兼驚嚇的樣子就是沒有動作。我不死心繼續喊了幾次：「不好意思...」，這位先生才小心翼翼地打開一小道門縫，仍舊是一臉懷疑兼驚嚇。我繼續用法文詢問：「請問我們應該要先付款嗎？」結果這位先生馬上從懷疑驚嚇的臉色轉變成 "你是智障嗎？"的表情，丟下一句：「你當然要付錢！」就大力關上車門，咻地開走了。

對這情形，我個人的解讀即是：歇斯底里老古板被制約反應。當下當然是氣的要命，不過又能怎麼辦呢？

第二趟也是去義大利，到 Lake Garda 去參加 summer school。回程時我們必須搭火車到 Bergamo 轉搭飛機，這次我是和義大利 couple – 謙遜狀元 D 和害羞素食 C – 以及盧森堡又壯又醉漢 L 一起。下火車時D和C走在前頭，中間是L, 我落在最後，由於 C 天生行動不便，所以下車時我們都慢慢來。當我還在車廂裡頭等著前頭的同學們下車時，車廂外突然起了一陣騷動，只聽見一個義大利女人連珠炮般地抱怨和咒罵，中間夾雜著一些辨識不清的其他聲音。

下了車趕忙問同學們是怎麼一回事，D 帶著不滿和抱不平的臉色解釋說，下車時這位義大利女士走在前頭，後頭則是個非洲黑人，由於下車時大家都一片匆忙，一不小心難免會有肢體接觸或碰到他人的行李背包；而這位非洲仁兄則是不小心碰到了義大利女士的手提包，怎知這位女士大驚小怪又小題大作，驚呼著說這位仁兄意圖要搶她的包包，還說要馬上叫警察來逮捕他。C 是當地出生長大的，無奈地跟我們說這座城市是義大利極右派的重要基地，所以這種法西斯的行為反應並非特例。

這種刻板印象的指控真的是非常之 pathetic 喔，好像在說某人長的像電影上的壞人，那他就一定是壞人一樣，殊不知這部電影的壞蛋演員很可能就是下部電影的慈善大好人，one's appearance tells little about him or her。

去年在布魯塞爾中央車站發生的 MP3 player 搶劫不成殺人案，一開始媒體也是言之鑿鑿地說根據某某消息來源，目擊者及錄影顯示都確定兇手是北非或中東人士，結果最後呢？是一個波蘭裔波蘭籍，白的不能再白的「血統純正」歐洲人。到底是怎麼樣把白人誤認為深色皮膚的人呢？這應該跟腦袋裡頭的被制約反應有那麼點關係吧！一說到搶劫，人們的灰色小小腦細胞就替臉孔不明的加害人漆上了棕黑膚色。

當然每個族裔和國家之間都會有些文化和習俗的差異，有些差異甚至可能讓人不可思議甚至無法贊同 (像我就必須說我會受不了某些非洲人不常洗澡的濃厚氣味，不過有些歐洲人也是喔)，但若是由這些差異來判定人心善惡就也太過無限上綱。我甚至覺得，如果不把歇斯底里老古板的被制約反應去除，兩族人就很難坐下來談彼此的差異，而不互相指控種族歧視。

Chong-Lan 2007 -- Part X

Gone

Her heart beat slowed, blood pressure dropped, and the oxygen density in her blood slid down. It was time to return home.

Madam Lin, the wife of the hospital director, rushed to the hospice chamber. At Chong-Lan’s bedside, she was handed over N.T.$100,000 from Chong-Lan’s eldest sister. It was Chong-Lan’s well wish for Lotus du Coeur.

“Life after life, one incarnation after the other, you are well fated to walk on the godly path. Keep on your good job!” said Madam Lin, who helped Chong-Lan to put on a necklace made of Buddhist beads and with the picture of Master Cheung-Yan. “Master Cheug-Yan blesses you and thanks you. Here is your red envelope of fortune and wisdom. Like the ear of rice printed on the red envelope, you plant the tiny seeds that will burgeon and grow into full grains. You will benefit many more others.” Madam Lin wished Chong-Lan the best, and she told her that the journey of life was like a trip on the train, which ascends and descends at all times, and that we only have to sit tight with complete ease and let it be.

It seemed that Chong-Lan was aware of everyone’s good wishes for her. She nodded slightly. Her lips trembled a little as if she attempted to say something in response. Just like all along the way, she insisted to thank people’s kindness even though she was already physically so very weak and so very lack of strength.

Dear family and friends,

This is your fairy Chong-Lan Shen.
Now, I happily return to the Heaven.
I am very grateful for all your love for me.
Hundreds of thousands thanks.

Chong-Lan 2007 -- Part IX

Content

Some days after checking into Lotus du Coeur for the third time, her bowel peristalsis ceased, and eventually, she could not digest anymore. Her cousin, who rushed to her bedside from Hsinchu, held up the cup carefully so that Chong-Lan could taste the lemon-flavored jelly fig through a straw. “I. Tasted. It.” said Chong-Lan with a faint breath, but you could still feel her happiness. The bittersweet taste of jelly fig was like what Chong-Lan often referred in Lotus du Coeur as “the taste of content”. The taste came back again and again to sweeten up her heart…

After some slight coughs, Chong-Lan could not help but closed her eyes and journeyed into her dreamland.

“Dragging this elephant leg…” laughed Chong-Lan when she was checked into the hospice for the second time, just before Chinese New Year.
“Don’t you want to draw on it a…” Dr. Shih-Chi Chen paused for a moment.
“An elephant!” Chong-Lan finished his sentence immediately. They looked at each other and started to laugh.

“The least patient-like patient is going home. Ha! Ha! Ha!” On the eighteenth day, Chong-Lan was laughing wholeheartedly because she was going home for the Chinese New Year. The nurses and the volunteers came to say goodbye. Although the ambiance was exuberant, it was somehow a little gloomy because Lotus du Coeur was goning to be quiet for a while without the Jokester. Her eldest sister just came back from fetching the pills that they had to bring home. “Twice a day. Take it with breakfast and with dinner. You have to break it into half and take only half each time. And this, take it only when you feel pain, and that, take it when it's necessary. These are the orange pills, and this is for coughing...” explained Hsio-Mei item by item. She was the nurse who was going to deliver her baby soon.

Chong-Lan, who was organizing her purse, took out a picture and said, “This is the picture that I plan to display in my funeral.” She looked a lot older in that picture. Even though she was 37 years old, many people thought that Chong-Lan was only in her twenties. The nurses and the sisters all maintained that she looked younger as how she was now and suggested her have another picture taken. “That's all right!” said Chong-Lan, “I'm a fairy and I'm going back to the Heaven!”

The old Sister Quan-Quan came in and gave Chong-Lan a big hug.

“I’m collecting your benign ‘chi’. Ha! Ha! Ha!” said Chong-Lan who was hugging the sister tight, “I wanna become prettier and prettier, and even prettier, and have a good path ahead after saying farewell! I’m absorbing your benign ‘chi’. How are you gonna deal with it?”
“I’ll give you all my best and pull everything bad to me,” said the sister with sympathy.
Chong-Lan responded, “No, no way!”
The sister told her not to worry, “I’m very old. It doesn’t matter!”
“Still no, even though you’re old. We both have only benign ‘chi’. There is nothing bad!” Chong-Lan always managed to bring our sad thoughts to the more positive side.

Hsio-Mei, with tears in her eyes, melancholically asked Chong-Lan to come to visit them in Lotus du Coeur. Half-jokingly, Chong-Lan commented, “Pregnant women like to cry!”

“Come to have a picture together,” Chong-Lan called out to everybody. Squeezing each other on the bed, her eldest sister pressed the shutter button and made her a souvenir. A sister tried to console Chong-Lan by saying that, “You have to believe that you’re not ill!” Chong-Lan replied that it did not matter whether she was ill or not, since she had struck the balance.

With everything ready, she was going to go downstairs and wait for her father to come to pick them up. Sister Quan-Quan gave her a kiss. “I’m so lucky and content!” said Chong-Lan satisfactorily with her eyes shut. “Happy Chinese New Year! Happy Chinese Valentine’s Day!” They were Hsio-Mei’s wishes for her, and Chong-Lan replied, “I’m very happy everyday!”

“Sister Quan-Quan loves you.”

“The least patient-like patient is going home. Here’s my kiss for you!”

After returning home, it was the ninth day of the lunar calendar year that Chong-Lan began to feel her strength vanishing. She checked into Lotus du Coeur for the third time and asked herself if it would be the last time? While Chong-Lan was sleeping, her eldest sister was worried that, although she had laughed, chatted and eaten a lot yesterday, Chong-Lan spent most of the time sleeping today.

Eyes open again, Chong-Lan said, “Sometimes, I fall asleep just like that. I even don’t realize it.” Chong-Lan felt hungry, so her eldest sister went to the kitchen in Lotus du Coeur to warm up some dumplings. It took only a few minutes, and the dumplings were still covered by steaming vapor on top. With tiny bites, Chong-Lan chewed and swallowed them slowly. Sometimes it was almost like a freeze frame shot and she seemed to be falling asleep again. “Today, it’s taking me enormous amount of efforts to go to the toilet, and I don’t know from when I won’t be able to walk,” laughed Chong-Lan, who usually finished her sentences with a loud laughter. However, it became less and less audible.

These two days, Dr, Shih-Chi Chen invited some patients to observe cherry blossom in Ali Shan. Although she was not able to join, Chong-Lan asked her eldest sister to bring the pictures from last year’s cherry blossom trip in the mountain. In addition to reminding herself of that beautiful memory, it was also for others to look at her cheerful faces in the pictures. Dr. Chen printed out the pictures immediately after coming back from this year’s trip.

“I’m coming this afternoon,” said Dr. Cehen.
“Maybe I’ll be sleeping in the afternoon,” replied Chong-Lan with a naughty smile.
“Then I’ll wake you up with the pictures.” Dr. Chen pretended to respond in a matter-of-factly way.
“Whatever. I’m not fired yet from Lotus du Coeur. So far, I’m here to stay,” said Chong-Lan.

The friend who was looking at her photo albums asked Chong-Lan if she went on this year’s trip to Ali Shan. Immediately Dr. Chen replied, “No, but it’s all right. I’ll make it up. I’ll invite Chong-Lan for coffee. I know at least some basic manners.” And, everybody was laughing out loud at his reply.

The next day, Chong-Lan’s conditions suddenly improved. Her cheeks were apple red with sunshine spilling into her hospice chamber. Everyone was joyfully taking pictures with Chong-Lan. Dr. Chen came to say hello and told her that, at noon, there would be a young child with leukemia checking into the room next door. You could see on Chong-Lan’s face that she felt really sorry. However, she never complained about her own conditions. Later on, this child was shrieking out of agony. The sound penetrated the wall, clearly and heart-piercingly. Chong-Lan did not mind, and asked Dr. Chen to tell the next-door child’s parents that it did not disturb her at all.

Every time when she checked out from Lotus du Coeur, Chong-Lan would asked her eldest sister to help her donate N.T.$10,000 to the Tzuichi foundation. “You should aim to become an honorary director,” said Dr. Chen, who came to encourage her when hearing that Chong-Lan was checked in again. Chong-Lan said, “Not bad in this way. If I donote N.T.$10,000 each time when I check out, I’ll have to check in and check out a lot of times so as to donate a million in total!” Then, Dr. Chen did a little calculation and said, “But, it will take a long time. Maybe I’ll be retired by then.” Chong-Lan said that when her time was up, she would like to donate N.T.$100,000 to Lotus du Coeur, in the hope that the Hospice will be able to bring warmth and happiness to more patients.

“I had a belly stroke!”

Pointing at her own belly, Chong-Lan told us reservedly that her intestine just suffered from hemorrhage. Her organs were perishing and her bowel peristalsis had ceased to function. It seemed that, in a split second, she was unable to eat and to insist that she must walk her way to the toilet, and finally she had to wear an oxygen mask. With her whole body collapsed in the bed, she was not able to move her legs even slightly. All she could do was – to wait for the arrivals of rounds and rounds of agony. Nevertheless, every time when the nurses finished injections and feeding her medicine, Chong-Lan still insisted to turned her head and uttered, “Thank you.” with the corners of her lip faintly moving up.

The intervals became shorter and shorter between each measurement of blood pressure and oxygen density. “I’d like to return home at my last moment” was Chong-Lan’s wish. In the very last few days, everybody was following Chong-Lan’s breath with full concentration. “Na Mo Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva.” Fearing that if Chong-Lan suddenly woke up, she might be panicked and confused by her own whereabouts, Dr. Chen sent over a sutra broadcasting machine, which prayed softly at her bedside day and night.

One day in the late afternoon, the hospital chamber was unexpectedly full of stir and movement. With great efforts, Chong-Lan opened her eyes and let out a shiny smile that had not been seen for several days.

“The situation is getting worse! We shouldn’t hide it from you,” said Hsio-Mei the nurse, who brought her newborn child to show to "Auntie" Chong-Lan before taking the baby home.
“I brought my baby to visit you.” Hsio-Mei, with tears in her eyes upon entering the room, placed her baby beside Chong-Lan’s pillow.
Chong-Lan turned her head to look and responded, “What a beautiful baby! Such a cutie!” and tenderly she touched the baby.
“I hope she will grow as beautiful as you,” said Hsio-Mei.
“Surly much more beautiful than me,” replied Chong-Lan.
“And becomes a fairy like you!” Eyes still full of tears, Hsio-Mei smiled.

Watching Hsio-Mei choking slightly with low sobs, Chong-Lan said, “Please don’t feel sad. I’m very grateful for all your care for me. Thank you so much!” As if exhausting her last bit of strength, she uttered with rough voice, “I’m very lucky and very happy. Thanks so much! I really appreciate your sincere and truehearted friendship.”

Chong-Lan told us that she was so content and so happy, and she asked us not to feel sad anymore!

Chong-Lan 2007 -- Part VIII

Voyage

“When I’m gone, just think of me like I take my suitcase and go on a trip abroad!”

On this New Year’s day, Chong-Lan put her words into action. With her eldest sister, her second sister and her cousins, she began to organize her luggage: winter clothes, summer outfits, pants, shorts, dresses as well as shoes, purses, and her favorite lotion. Everything that one could think about was neatly packed up. She wanted to prepare for it earlier, so when it was time to go, she would not rush into a muddle. But this time, she had no plan to return.

With a clicking sound, she opened the suitcase that she had finished organizing for a while. “These are the shoes that I packed up. They are all old ones, a lot of ‘Skinnie’ [a shoe brand], though now I have to wear ‘Fattie’!” Chong-Lan made fun of herself.

“These are the clothes that I’ll put on the day when I pass away.” Chong-Lan displayed a green long-sleeved and round-necked shirt, with little flowered prints around the collar. To go with it, she had a pair of ivory-colored trousers and a pair of casual shoes in a similar color. “This is my favorite set of clothes. I always put them on when I go out. They are comfortable to wear and people are most familiar with them!” Chong-Lan said that simplicity was what mattered. But, being a woman after all, she also packed up a pair of lady’s shoes that she liked to wear.

Among all her clothes, there was also a little stuffed bear. Chong-Lan said that this was her favorite little bear that had been accompanying her since the first day of her surgery, so she would also like to bring it along on her journey.

There were quite a few of stuffs in her suitcase! There was a hand-sized bottle of lotion, which Chong-Lan always put on before going out. “I told my sister that she must apply this lotion on me. It smells a bit of perfume. It was my most familiar perfume.” Chong-Lan said that she had been using it for more than ten years, so when people smell this perfume, they would know that she is back.

There was also a necklace that her boyfriend gave her as a gift. Chong-Lan said that it was inflammable.

Besides her preparation for the upcoming journey, Chong-Lan also gave out her belongings one by one. She did not feel sad but instead cheered up by it. “I like to use stuffs with good quality, so if I can’t wear them, it’s not a good idea to just put them away.” Chong-Lan said that sometimes she liked to look cute, and that was why she bought a pair of cute boots. Since the daughter of her eldest sister was already 20 years old and since she liked them and looked good in them, Chong-Lan was more than happy to give her these boots. “If I keep on living, it’s all right. I won’t ask them back. I’ll just buy new ones because they will be fashionable,” laughed Chong-Lan.

There was also her jewelry. As the idiom goes, “Genuine gold is not fusible by fire,” it would be of no use to cremate all the items of her jewelry, so she decided to give away to whoever fit with them. Chong-Lan said that it was better that she gave away her belongings in person than that they were being forwarded after she passed away. “I feel so relaxed after giving them away! There’s nothing that I can’t let go of and there’s no more pressure. When I left these valuables at home, I was scared that they might get stolen, but after all, I have absolutely no need of these stuffs. I don’t wear them anyway.” Chong-Lan said it with certainty that she would not purchase jewelry anymore even if she could have lived for 30 more years.

Before Chinese New Year, Chong-Lan asked her eldest sister urgently to help her look for a card. A couple of years ago, Chong-Lan heard that in Do-Liu there was a blood-testing event to recruit marrow donors. “Heaven knows somehow there may be a lucky coincidence by God’s will. There are so many people in the whole world. It will be fantastic if there’s a good match.” With positive anticipation, she rolled up her sleeves, had her blood sample taken, and left her record in their archive.

It is even more unlikely to have a successful match than winning lottery. Chong-Lan said, “I didn’t expect that I’d have cancer, and now I’m not qualified anymore!” She asked her sister that, after finding her donor’s card, she should call the organization to remove her record so that it will not occupy any disk space, and also because she could not help if she is matched up.

Her optimistic personality also had a trace of casualness. “It came out of the blue!” Chong-Lan recalled that she still had a savings account and so she decided to monetarily adopt a child through a nonprofit organization. “I’m not married and I have no children.” Chong-Lan told her adopted child to call her auntie. Fearing that the child might be worried, Chong-Lan did not talk about her having cancer. Chong-Lan said that she would keep on her monetary adoption as long as she lived and that she planned to donate the rest of her savings in this account to the nonprofit organization.

“Time to eat,” called out her father from downstairs. Chong-Lan repacked her suitcase then closed it, and painstakingly, she stood up using the table to support herself. Feeling greatly relieved, she said, “Now they all know what to do!” Chong-Lan said that, if she was not prepared and her family would arrange something that she did not like, then “I’ll be upset!” Therefore, she had everything arranged. “I’m very happy that I could arrange everything by myself. I’m out of breath.”

In order not to have her parents feeling sad, Chong-lan tried to change the mood in her family by portraying it as going on a happy holiday trip abroad. Chong-Lan traveled overseas each year, sometimes with her sisters and sometimes with her mother. In fact, it also worked to cheer up herself. When death was coming within reach, she chose to face and accept it. She greeted the end with her own best wishes. It was not that different from traveling abroad or from emigrating, except that she would not come back again.

Holding onto the railing, she came downstairs step by step. She walked to the dinning table and sat down. Then, she took the big bowl that was designated for her and painted with the cartoon of Goofy dog. Chong-Lan always took a small sip of soup first, and then started to take big bites of every wonderful dish prepared by her mother.

Her father, who was retired from the Retired Soldier Engineering Association, and her mother did a very good job on the kitchen garden next to their house. “All the vegetables that we are eating today were planted in our kitchen garden, including cabbage, lettuce, peas, and radish in the soup.” In addition to vegetables, the rice and the fruits also came from their own farm. “We have a grape plant but it has no fruit yet. There are Java apples but we haven’t tasted them. We also have oranges, bananas, sugar canes, and sugar apples, one plant each. We have no longans anymore, and the coconut tree was dead, so now there’s no more coconut juice to drink.” Chong-Lan had no difficulty to point out every single detail in their kitchen garden.

Mealtime was Chong-lan’s happiest moements. Her father who was eating beside also took big bites of every dish. As for her mother, she would be working for a little bit more before join them for the meal. Although her parents did not talk much, their hard work was silently presented with the rich harvest from their garden.

If she did not show people her legs, probably nobody would have believed that Chong-Lan was ill.

“Some people who are a bit chubbier have legs bigger than yours!” consoled her mother, who could not stop feeling sorry for her daughter’s illness. Her mood fluctuated up and down with Chong-Lan’s conditions.
“Yeah, as long as I don’t cough,” responded Chong-Lan.
Her mother suggested, “I’ll help you replace the thin one with a thicker one!”
“I don’t want that. I want the thicker one replaced by a thinner one. Otherwise, it’s way too heavy, too heavy to walk up the stairs!”
“Okay, deal. I’ll get a thinner one for you.”

Mother and daughter finally reached their agreement.

“My mum is a simple countrywoman.” Sometimes Chong-Lan would tell her, “Mum, I love you the most!” And then, her mother would reply, “If I don’t love you, whom shall I love!”

Chong-Lan 2007 -- Part VII

Attitude

“It looks normal like this, but when compared with my other leg, it’s apparently abnormal,” laughed Chong-Lan at her own words. Moving her toes around, Chong-Lan showed us her legs that are of absolutely different sizes. “It began to swell since December last year. It’s because of lymph liquid that my right leg is swollen. In addition to the pricking pain, it also gives me the burning sensation from time to time.” To cool it down, Chong-Lan liked to stretch her leg out of the blanket. She said that she should take very good care of it!

“Sore, painful. I don’t feel well neither lying down nor sitting still. My legs are rigid when I stand up. My thighs hurt and they become very hard. It burns and feels hot and scorching…” described Chong-Lan her own conditions. However, she was reluctant to follow the suggestions of Dr. Shih-Chi Chen and other nurses that they can install a Foley catheter for her or that she can use a bedpan. She was not even willing to use walking aids. Although she had to go to the restroom quite frequently, she would have rather tottered, with her back hunched like an aged lady and her weight on the right leg, and approached the restroom inch by inch.

As long as she could move on her own, Chong-Lan insisted to do it herself because these were the only occasions when she could still have some exercise. Most important of all, Chong-Lan did not wish to bring more burden to others.

Today, Chong-Lan’s boss, along with some female colleagues from the clinic, came to visit her in the hospital chamber. Out of their expectation, Chong-Lan greeted them with a cozy and relaxed look. “Thank you very much for visiting me,” said Chong-Lan with a big smile.

“You must have put on some make-up!?” Her boss wondered out loud. “You look awesome!”
“No, I didn’t!” said Chong-Lan. She asked if they were surprised.
“Wow,” uttered her boss in a surprised tone, “Did I take the wrong guess?”
Beside them, Chong-Lan’s eldest sister ended the debate by saying, “She looks prettier and prettier everyday in the hospice!”
“Yeap, since I’m here to alleviate my pain.” said Chong-Lan. The only thing was that her right leg was so swollen that it was difficult for her to walk around, whereas her left one grew thinner and thinner. “One side is a giraffe, and the other is an elephant!”

It was almost Chinese New Year. In addition to paying for her health insurance in the last two years, Chong-Lan’s boss handed her a big red envelope for every Chinese New Year.

“Rest well and stay healthy,” said her boss.
“I’ve done my best and there’s no more I can do,” responded Chong-Lan with a laugh.
“Just live your life as it was before!” Her boss told her that the most important thing in life is one’s feelings, which are also what accounts in interpersonal relationships, and that we do not have to care too much about being able to live longer or shorter since it was not the real meaning of life.

“I feel very happy here and feel surrounded by warmth!” Every time when Chong-Lan returned to Lotus du Coeur, she could settle down easily and tried to relax as much as she could, which was very different from many other patients’ unwillingness to stay for even one second. “I happen to be able to talk now. I’m very happy. In the past two years, it’s been me who’s enjoying my life. Sometimes I feel like a real queen! This week I can’t get a massage because I got an acute inflammation; otherwise, my family and the nurses always come to give me massages. I eat a lot and it’s the same when I go back home. I really feel like a queen!”

“Actually, I was already an optimistic person before.” Chong-Lan said that she would think about the upside as well as the downside. Since she liked to watch comedies, she would blend the gags into her real life and make it as a funny episode. In this way, she could adapt herself quickly into new situations and always think from the bright side.

Some said that Chong-Lan was thinking from the dark side when she decided to quit chemotherapy. They argued that, perhaps after some while, there would be more advanced chemotherapies and Chong-Lan could be cured then! However, Chong-Lan did not think in the same manner. She did not want to become constantly occupied by chemical medications. “I was not thinking from the downside. Although I gave up on chemo, so far I haven’t got the attitude that ‘I’m gonna die.’ I won’t be thinking that ‘I’m gonna die anyways’ and so just look at everything in a pessimistic way.”

What Chong-Lan was thinking about was that she might live a shorter life but she must live it more happily. Especially when she felt the love and warmth from people surrounding her, she really enjoyed it and felt ever happier. The only exception was when she was coughing very hard or when her leg was hurting a lot, then she would really feel that her deadline was approaching. “But coming to the hospice and with Dr. Chen’s attentive care, my pain is eased and I feel… erh, like the distance to death becomes a bit farther again. Also, the sisters come to talk to me everyday and give me warmth. That makes me feel really happy. My eldest sister told me that I have become prettier and prettier everyday since I came here.”

“Really!” Chong-Lan said, “I also have the feeling that I’m less and less like a patient, like I’m pretending to be one. I’m so happy!”

Skipping ageing, there are only birth, illness, and then death. In this way, everyone will remember her young and pretty look. Chong-Lan said that it was as if her lessons of life were compressed into one short class. She thanked God for his mercy that her cancer was discovered before she ever stepped into the next stage of life — getting married and having children — and that she did not have to worry that nobody would take care of her if she have had become ill at an old age. In particular, she thanked God for granting her the gift that her cancer was not the most tormenting type and that during her illness she came to know many things and many people and benefited from countless love.

Chong-Lan 2007 -- Part VI

Enjoy

“I may become the first Lotus du Coeur patient who needs to go on diet!”

Seated in the wheelchair, Chong-Lan rolled out of Lotus du Coeur with her eldest sister pushing behind. Passing by the temple, the prayer room, and the Linden Residence, she was heading for Café Taiwan on the third floor. This is the second time she checked in at Lotus du Coeur. Chong-Lan was probably the most loyal customer of this café. Most of the time, she would ask for afternoon tea and snacks to be served in her hospital chamber. Although it was a little chilly today, she felt cheerful with the sunshine. “Usually I take a Garden Sandwich, but coming down here today, I feel like a change. Since it’s quite chilly, hotpot will be an awesome choice!”

A boiling hotpot was served at her table. Chong-Lan asked her sister to send back the bowl of rice which was served along and to ask for an empty bowl back. She said that nothing would be wasted in this way. Then, one by one, Chong-Lan placed every kind of vegetable into the pot. With chopsticks in one hand and a spoon in the other, she savored the delicacy with great pleasure. There were carrots, tofu, broccolis, pumpkin…… so on and so forth.

“And the patient ends up eating the most!” In order to gain enough strength to maintain a good quality of life, Chong-Lan made efforts to eat sufficiently. She said that she was trying to break the record in Lotus du Coeur – a Lotus du Coeur patient ate so much that she would have to go to the weight losing class!

Undergoing the period of surgery and chemotherapy was the toughest days for Chong-Lan, but thanks to her open-minded personality, she could always spot heart-brightening happiness out of bitterness. In the evening before the surgery, Chong-lan told her eldest sister, “My skin is so fine and scar-free. Since I saw some people got very ugly scars before, maybe I should ask the surgeon to sew my cut better? I should take my eyeliner and write on my belly saying, ‘Please sew me better.’” Worrying that the surgeon might laugh too much while sewing, she decided to ask the surgeon in person. “I was still thinking about my appearance just hours before the surgery,” laughed Chong-Lan at herself.

“The soup is so tasty!” With satisfaction on her face, Chong-Lan was in a good mood to keep on chatting.

Another time was during the surgery to install an artificial vein. She was only partially sedated, so finally she got the chance to show the entire surgical crew how hilarious she could be. Chong-lan told the surgeon that, since it was quite boring in the operation room, she was going to tell them a joke. “I was working in a Chinese medical clinic, and one day there was this patient who walked in for a visit. There are several doctors in our clinic, so the front desk asked him whether he would like to ask for any doctor in particular. The patient looked around, and then he asked for Dr. Po-Ya Chang. Our front desk was just totally baffled! And the patient said, ‘If there is no doctor named as such, how come all the licenses on the wall has this name on them?’” And, it brought endless laughters to the operating room. (Note: Dr. Po-Ya Chang was then the Minister of Health.)

Not only did Chong-Lan enjoy very much from food savoring, but perhaps, she also digested away lots of worries in this process. Last year in August, accompanied by her mother, her second sister and her cousin, Chong-Lan went on her last trip abroad. The destination was her most favorite New Zealand. “I really miss their ice cream! It's delicious and tasted very thick. Although it was the middle of winter, it wasn't cold and I felt really, really comfortable! It's a pity now that I can't eat anything icy, but anyway, I can't get it here and now.” Chong-Lan could always turn herself to the bright side at the next second, while her company was still trying to squeeze out some words of comfort.

There was also a funny incident from that trip. Since her attending physician at Chang Gung was in Australia for an advanced training, Chong-Lan asked the nurse to e-mail him, saying that, to ease his homesickness for local delicacies, she was going to drop two glutinous rice wraps when her plane flew over Australia, and that he must not miss his catch.

“Sometimes when I drove, I'd have the wildest imagination.” Like a fairy holding her magic wand, Chong-Lan would murmur “green, green” when she drove close to traffic lights. When the lights turned out to be really green, she would think that her magic indeed worked that day and there must have been an elf helping her. Every time when she went back to the Tzuchi Hospital in Da-Lin for medical appointments and stopped by the parking entrance for a ticket, she would start to murmur, “Give me a parking spot. Please give me a parking spot. The closer the better!” Chong-Lan said it really worked, about nine out of ten times. In the end, Chong-Lan laughed as if embarrassed and said that sometimes it did not work, and that if it had worked each time, she would have become a billionaire by now. “Forget it. I just wish everything would go well.”

More than ten minutes later, she came to the bottom of her hotpot. Chong-Lan's cheeks became as rosy as if she had put on some make-up. Patting her own cheeks, Chong-Lan said that she was so full from this afternoon snack break that it was almost like she was having dinner. And, she would like to come back on Sunday.

Chong-Lan 2007 -- Part V

Let Go

“Very bitter feelings!” Chong-Lan furrowed her brow. She said that perhaps because she was quite allergic to medicine, she felt piercing pain all over her body with a particular shot in the treatment. “From my scalp to the bottom of my feet, including my fingers and my lower belly, everything hurts like needles pricking. I grabbed my sister's hands and shouted for help.” In each round, she had to endure ten minutes of agony, then it was chemical injections again, day in and day out without breaks. Chong-Lan said that she kept vomitting. There was this indescribable feeling of discomfort and she could hardly eat anything.

“I didn't feel well at places where there is bodily fluid.” Chong-Lan said that her eyes were sore, her mouth weird and so was her urinary canal. She simply could not sleep well. The most unbearable part for Chong-Lan was the smell of pesticide all over her body. The smell of chemotherapy was very similar to that of pesticide – “very very smelly!” It was not possible to get rid of that irritating odor. When returning home, she could still smell it in her room and in the toilet.

“I just felt it was not that kind of life that I want.” Following this sentence, Chong-Lan closed her eyes. Even though it had been more than one year since she gave up chemotherapy, her fear was still intense and vivid. “After I truly gave up and decided to stop further chemotherapies, I felt so at ease!” Chong-Lan finally had all her stress released.

Nonetheless, it was not easy to make this decision – a seemingly life-or-death choice. In addition to her peace of mind, there was this earnest hope of her family that further treatments might render a better chance of survival, and there was also this prospect that she could have a family with her boyfriend, despite the slim chance of a miracle.

In order to make her final decision, the always-dad-and-mom's-good-daughter “ran away” from home. Chong-Lan told us that in that period she took shelter at her sixth auntie's and refused to answer any phone calls from her father, mother and her eldest sister. “I wanted to think it through – what should I do after all? Should I give up or continue the chemos?” Ten days passed, Chong-Lan had her head clear little by little from all the conflicting thoughts. “I won't be swayed by anybody. I'm going to make my own decision!”

Amid the contrast of continuing and not continuing chemotherapy, Chong-Lan no longer hesitated. “I reckon that we are all gonna get to the last stage, that is, death. So, I decided I wanted to... it doesn't matter I'd live a shorter life, but I wanted to be free and happy!” Chong-Lan said that it was not her desire to suffer just to live longer. She would rather live shorter, yet happily and freely. “So, I decided to give up chemo, but to concentrate my happy days all in this period.” Although giving up chemotherapy, Chong-Lan did not become desperate for her life. Instead, she wanted to make worth every of her living minutes and each of her breathing seconds. Therefore, she always said, “I'm so happy and free, so maybe there's still hope. But even not so, I have to follow the nature's rules all the same.”

When she had made up her mind, Chong-Lan tried to communicate with her family because she loved them the most. “Let's follow the nature's rules!” Chong-Lan told her parents and her sisters that since it failed the first time, how could the second time be more successful? It was risky at the first time and she was even hospitalized in the quarantine. She argued that same things could still be possible at the second time and that perhaps she would have ended her life earlier than giving up chemotherapy. So, let the nature rule. When you are deemed to live, you live.

“I'm the one who's ill. It's better that I make the decision.” Chong-Lan said that she would live as long as the nature allowed; otherwise, when she suffered, others also suffered with her, so it was better to see her being happier. Given that she would arrive at the last stage of her life no matter what, with the only difference being that chemotherapy might have given her more time, she asked her family to accept her decision.

It was hard to describe how sorry she felt that her dream of marriage was broken once again. “But when I think about it, God indeed has mercy on me: He granted me this relationship. The only thing is that I am very sorry to him. We would have had a family, but it ends up like this.”

Since she was a child, Chong-Lan had been the funny jokester in both her parents’ sides of families. Chong-Lan’s eldest sister, who always kept the hope that chemotherapy might somehow turn out to be effective and always encouraged Chong-Lan to continue, said that Chong-Lan was a lovely girl with a good heart. She was thoughtful and cared for others all the time. Even after arriving at Lotus du Coeur, she was still worried about one of her aunts who was financially rather troubled. She kept thinking about giving her some money, but was also worried that her anut might be embarrassed by it. Another example was about her eldest sister’s son. He had to take the college entrance exam in May, and Chong-Lan was concerned that he might be distracted from his exam preparation if she would be gone around that time. Chong-Lan was like a lovely clown. She attracted attention wherever she went and brought happiness to everybody. The atmosphere was always filled with joy when she was around.

Chong-Lan was strong and persistent, and she could endure a great deal of hardships. Right after the surgery and during the two weeks of lying in bed, you could rarely hear her moaning out of pain, even though everyone could see that it was painstaking and felt sorry. Chong-Lan, the extravert and outgoing girl according to her sister, was determined to follow her own guts and to return to the “Chong-Lan” that had been familiarly known to everyone.

Chong-Lan 2007 -- Part IV

Bitterness

Possessing fair and white skin, Chong-Lan was always adored for her very fine skin quality. Dur to her illness, however, she could no longer protect it from getting more wounds.

The next day after the test report came out, Chong-Lan was hospitalized at the Chang Gung Memorial Hospital, Chia-Yi. She underwent a series of examinations, including CT scan, colonoscopy, biopsy. On the fourth day, she entered the surgery room and received the first cut. Her rectum was successfully removed. “Since it was found that there was also some shadow over the liver, they checked my liver as well. So, it was a big surgery that time.” Chong-Lan measured with her hands a 30-centimeter cut.

However, the surgery on the following day – installation of an artificial anus – made Chong-Lan feel as if she was “not a human being, not like a human being!” and she suffered enormously from it. Chong-Lan said that because the previous surgery was operated way too close to her anus, it was decided as an urgency on the fifth day that she needed to install an artificial anus. Consequently, everyday she had to have her feces cleaned up from the right side of her body and the bag changed each time.

“Sometimes when it was not attached well enough, the bag could fail to carry the weight and simply 'explode'. Once I had the bag changed three times a day. My skin got hurt just from the bag being torn away.” Chong-Lan recalled at that time, while her little auntie (wife of her mother's youngest brother) attached the bag to her body, she would be crying and feeling lots and lots of pain. Moreover, the feces smelled really really bad!

In the three months following the surgery, Chong-Lan had to stay in bed. Not until she could get up and clean the artificial anus by herself did Chong-Lan realize how much her little auntie had to endure and how much she loved her. Very disgusting, very stinky! Chong-Lan said, “Because my small intestine was pulled out and connected to the bag for defecation, my feces were quite fluid. Sometimes when I had diarrhea, they were nearly watery. And so, the bag had got to be cleaned up very often.”

Battling with the artificial anus for ten months, she suffered from the filthy feeling that originated from her own body. Nevertheless, chemotherapy was far more ruinous to her, on both body and mind.

“It hurt so much. I cried through it every time!” After finishing the first chemotherapy and returning home, Chong-Lan held her mother tight, crying hard and loud, and she did not remember how long it took her to calm down. “It was very, very painful! Please don’t let me go for the second treatment!” Chong-Lan begged her family. Chong-Lan remembered that each treatment took 72 hours, so she had to be hospitalized for three days. And, two weeks after returning home, she had to go back to the hospital for the second treatment.

“Really wanted to hide myself! So, my family wouldn’t be able to find me and send me to any chemos. But, I didn’t know where to hide either.” However, Chong-Lan thought to herself that since she had already undergone the surgery, wasn’t it not worth anymore to give up? The second time when she checked in at the hospital, Chong-Lan could not help but cried with the first injection. She cried three times, and at the fourth time, Chong-Lan started to bargain with the doctor while getting her injections. “Six times are enough!” Chong-Lan said it with a grin, and then she still forced herself to bear until the 12^th injection. The doctor told her that there should be no problem after he reconnected her intestine.

Finally, she was a “normal human being” again! In addition to her family, the hope did not seem as remote any more that she could have another family with her boyfriend whom she met a year ago.

“I tried to have some relationships before, but I could never talk freely with them and the ways we looked at things were also quite different.” Chong-Lan met her first real boyfriend when she was 35. She felt secure with him and began to consider getting married and having her own family. “Since I got sick then went through the surgery and chemotherapy, in that period when everything became under control, we both felt hopeful again. We were so happy.” Chong-Lan said that it was an unforgettable period, and just by thinking of it, she would start to smile. It was such a sweet and wonderful period.

“No! How can it be? Finally when I’ll be spending the rest of my life with him. How can it be!” It was only 120 days that her cancer was under control. Then, it transferred to her lymph system. “Am I gonna live like this, with endless treatments?” Chong-Lan had read many books and had tried to learn from others’ stories of how they fought against cancer. She had also followed the suggestions listed in the books about how to live her life. However, these efforts did not bring about much effect. When faced with the recommencement of her chemotherapy, Chong-Lan began to hesitate and resist.

“Probably because I didn’t make enough efforts!” So did Chong-Lan concluded from her cancer resurfacing, without much emotion.

Portrait of a Hearful Economist?

"I did not come to solve anything.
I came here to sing
and for you to sing with me."

-- from Let the Rail Splitter Awake by Pablo Neruda

世奇在他版上轉寄了 "台北電影節：如果我必須死一千次．台灣左翼紀事 (IF I HAVE TO DIE 1000 TIMES)", 提到電影最後是以聶魯達的這首詩的這個片段作為終結。

I am nothing more than a poet: I love all of you,
I wander about the world I love;

in my country they gaol miners
and soldiers give orders to judges.

But I love even the roots
in my small cold country,

if I had to die a thousand times over
it is there I would die,
if I had to be born a thousand times over
it is there I would be born

near the tall wild pines
the tempestuous south wind
the newly purchased bells.
Let none think of me.

Let us think of the entire earth
and pound the table with love.

I don’t want blood again
to saturate bread, beans, music:

I wish they would come with me:
the miner, the little girl,
the lawyer, the seaman,
the doll-maker,
to go into a movie and come out
to drink the reddest wine.

I did not come to solve anything.
I came here to sing
and for you to sing with me.

From somewhere in the Americas, May 1948 (Translated by Waldeen)
(可惜不會西班牙文，這英文給出的韻味遠不如文章中的中文翻譯。)

Chong-Lan 2007 -- Part III

Turning Point

That morning, her father drove her eldest sister to Lotus du Coeur to change shift with Chong-Lan's mother, who took care of her at night. Married and moved to Hu-Wei, her eldest sister accompanied Chong-Lan all the way here, rain or shine. Always, she quickly prepared Chong-Lan's food and responded to her needs with great care at every moment. She had had become the important source of love and warmth for Chong-Lan.

"If it's not sweet, come back for an exchange!" Chong-Lan urged the student volunteers to eat more Chinese dates. One bite after another, she bit into the fruit with crispy and juicy sounds. Chong-Lan said, now that she had a break from IV drips, she had to take full advantage of it and eat more. Otherwise, she had to get an IV drip again soon. A while later, a nurse came in to disinfect the wound on her shoulder where drugs were injected in. Talking through the nurse's arm, Chong-Lan suggested to everybody have lunch together at Cafe Taiwan. Then, she was discussing the new menu with some senior volunteers.

I contribute so I exist, because I feel others' care.
Your happiness is my most sincere hope, because I am loved in the same way.
Your smile is what I hope for. Wish you peace forever.
There are countless events and barriers in life. You have me with you along all paths of life.

At noon, student volunteers came as they promised to do a sign language show for Chong-Lan. In a good mood, Chong-Lan, lying in her bed, took big bites from her plate.

Because she had fully accepted what her life would bring on, every moment of get-together was filled with joy despite her family's hard time to truly let go. Because Chong-Lan greeted every caring face so generously with her shining smile, friends and volunteers could enjoy being her company without any worry and could learn to accept the necessary path of life. Nevertheless, the psychological storm that she went through was so heart-tearing that, even after a long period, it was still a dreadful memory.

"It was 2005, about January 10th plus, my doctor told me I might have something more than a stomach ulcer!" Chong-Lan said that her doctor made an appointment for her with the colorectal division, and the surgeon insisted that she must get an imaging test the next day.

Next day after the test was done, Chong-Lan kept feeling that something was wrong and took to read the report. "What!" She uttered in panic, "Rectal... cancer." Chong-Lan read it out loud, word by word. She turned to her eldest sister and asked, "why is it written rectal cancer?" Her sister tried to console her by saying that it was written on the report that it SEEMED to be rectal cancer.

As if in a trial, it was confirmed in the clinic that she had cancer. "How old are you?" the doctor asked Chong-Lan. "35." With a sigh, the doctor said, "At such young age! It was kind of late." "Yesterday when I examined you by palpation, I already wanted to tell you that you may have rectal cancer, but without scientific tests, I couldn't be entirely sure."

The doctor told her the definite answer, and he urged Chong-Lan to begin her treatment soon. With the advanced technology that we have nowadays, it should not be too late.

"You must do it!" The doctor's words overwhelmed her mind. Everything seemed to stop moving in the clinic. About a minute later, tears started to fall. She did not cry, but her tears kept falling. Finally, she could not sit still any longer. She turned to her sister and began to cry very hard. "How come? How come!" An unanswered question tore up her heart with pain and grief.

It was really cold that day and drizzling in the air. "How can it be so cold, so very cold!" Recalling the piercing cold, Chong-Lan said it was probably from the hard blow that she had just received. After walking out of the clinic, she and her sister cried all the way through the long corridor inside the hospital and all the way on their drive home.

Although wearing more than enough warm clothes, Chong-Lan could not feel any warmth. "It was so chilly that I cold feel it throughout my bones!" In the car, she kept telling her sister that she felt so cold, while tears were persistently falling down and still did not stop when they got home. That day, it seemed to be such a long way home!

"I'm still young. How can it be!?" When Chong-Lan recalled this experience, she could not help but contracted her eyebrow. At that time, she suffered in deep confoundedness.

Chong-Lan 2007 -- Part II

Sign

"One night I had a dream. I dreamed about my own funeral."

Looking ahead, eyes sparkling, Chong-Lan said, "It's held at home, and I can remember very clearly which picture of me was used!"

The ambience was full of warmth. It did not have a trace of sorrow from the funeral. So did Chong-Lan recall. Her funeral was not plain white as a traditional one, but decorated with her favorite pink flowers. There were fragrant lilies, not the usually-used chrysanthemum. "I can remember clearly who came to attend my funeral! There were my boss, colleagues, my boyfriend, my family, cousins, and [buddhist] sisters." Chong-Lan said that in fact she did not know at that moment any Tzuchi medical volunteers, though now they were very much like friends and seniors to her. But, she knew they were Tzuchi sisters in her dream.

Chong-Lan did not feel sad that she dreamed about her own funeral. The next day when she went to work at the Chinese medical clinic, she took out the picture in her purse and asked her colleagues that, in case she would have an accident and could not speak consciously, they must remind her family of which picture ought to be used in the funeral. "Nuts!" Her colleagues nagged at her. A few days later, a cousin called to chat and Chong-Lan retold her dream. Her cousin told her to buy a lottery, saying she might get the first prize!

This was the dream she had half a year before discovering cancer. She could still recall clearly, and she was preparing little by little for her ideal funeral.

Posing in front of the huge poster of A Story of Endless Love, a Korean TV romance, the picture captured Chong-Lan's joy from her holidays aborad. "The girl in this romance died from cancer. Look at me, now I'm also a star, now I also have cancer!" Flipping through the photo album, Chong-Lan laughed. This was the trip to Korea that took place two years ago, before she knew about her illness.

As a matter of fact, the signs of illness had had appeared for quite a while. Maybe it was her positive attitudes that allowed her to enjoy her journey. When her boss knew about Chong-Lan's planned trip to Korea, he attemped to stop her. He told her that he would pay for the deposits required by the travel agency, because he was worried that, in case something would go wrong in Korea, Chong-Lan would not be able to get any help. However, Chong-Lan still thought that her diarrhea and blood in the stool were caused by the usual problem - stomach ulcer. "As long as I don't eat anything spicy in Korea." Chong-Lan convinced herself to go and not to care so much about it!

Two months later, the first downturn of her life soon launched its ambush.

Chong-Lan 2007 -- Part I

"Perhaps from tomorrow, I'll be breathing very, very heavily! I know it's a necessary path. But now I'm very happy, very content!"

Laughters spilled through her door. A window open towards the west greeted the afternoon sunshine. The light wandered freely, passing every corner of her hospital chamber. Chong-Lan, checked in again into Lotus du Coeur Hospice, liked to open her window and draw away the curtain, so she could enjoy the soothing wind, so she could savor the delicious food to her heart's delight, and so she could be nutured by love and warmth from people surrounding her.

By the end of the sentence, her throat had suddenly tightened up, again Chong-Lan had to fight with her only weapon - coughing - against the lymph liquid that sprawled over her lung. Seemingly, she had exhasted all the strength she could garner. Bean-size sweats permeated through her hair. At the next second, however, her twisted eyebrow would loosen up into a full blossom and she was again the joyful girl who loved to share her life stories with voluteers and told jokes as if she had settled beyond life-and-death worries.

Besides the constant and severe pain transmitted all the way up from her leg, she had to, with great efforts, deal with the feeling that she was gradually losing her strength. "Staying in Lotus du Coeur is nothing but relaxing and pleasant. It's an 'easy job' for which I don't need to punch cards and work but still get paid, not like the docs and the nurses who have to work so hard!" Chong-Lan's words always came as a surprise and made people laugh.

After loosing her health and her love, Chong-Lan felt that she had actually gained more.

瓊蘭 Chong-Lan 2007 -- Introduction

Chong-Lan, the youngst daughter of my eldest uncle, was a cousin from my dad's side. She was a joyful girl who loved to chat and joke around with people. In April this year, she bidded goodbye to us and went to Heaven for her new job as a fairy.

Before she left, she temporarily stayed in the Lotus du Coeur (心蓮) hospice at the Tzuchi Hospital, Da-Lin. As she always did, soon she gained the hearts of doctors, nurses, buddhist sisters and volunteers. Everybody just loved her so much! Thanks to them, we had a 20-page booklet recording the last three years of her life on earth.

As Chong-Lan's dear little cousin, I was not there to say goodbye in person, but I would like to translate this little booklet so that I could share her life, her thoughts, and her happiness with my friends and whoever bumping into this blog and happening to be reading these posts.

Note: Tzuchi is a buddhist hospital, attracting many buddhist volunteers who are called "sisters" (since most of them are female). The sisters, not like the catholic sisters, are usually not nuns.