公投 - 我的個人看法

以下是剛剛在小逸版上的留言：

今天才路過拜訪，有幾點是我想講的，而且是我自己的立場，不代表活動發言：

1. 這樣說大概不是很實際，但我覺得台灣的國際地位沒有一個政黨有權利把她拿來當作選舉遊戲來玩弄。為什麼民進黨要提入聯？又為什麼國民黨要喊返聯？還不是因 為體認到台灣人的主體意識越來越強烈，因此希望把這些人全都歸到自己的陣營裡頭。其實我覺得最理想的狀況會是：兩個公投都過，而且平分秋色，讓兩個陣營認 清主體意識是共識，不是partisan issue.

對外的話，大家都清楚入/返聯公投完全就是阿Q行為(或者套句某美國東亞政策分析家的話：a cynical move)，過了也沒辦法改變現狀。但是好處在哪裡？是國際媒體很可能會報，是我們的主體意識可能會有被好好呈現的機會。我覺得軒哥(跟著大家一起叫: p)這句話：「只是人一旦掉進泥潭裡，若不想一直陷在那裡，就不得不掙扎」其實是公投這件事背後代表的真正意涵，它是一個用大聲嚷嚷的方式來掙扎的手段。 如果國際上還搞不清楚台灣人想被叫作台灣人的意願，那也不用談什麼國際社會的認可了。

拒領公投票在我看來是非常下等的作法，因為那除了自命清高之外，骨子裡還有什麼？甘地的不合作運動是要要求英國人將印度主權還給印度人，美國大學生發起拒 買血汗工廠衣物的運動，是要強調成衣工人工作條件的不合理，可是杯葛此次公投到底是要抗議什麼？又，值得杯葛產生的代價嗎？另外，什麼叫作公投的「神聖 性」？是要養肥以後供奉神明用的嗎？公投這東西本來不就是，因為某議題在議會裡頭不受注意，所以才乾脆丟出來讓大家沸沸揚揚來討論的手段嗎？我覺得公投根 本就應該要「俗世化」、「平民化」，把公投頭上的黃金光圈拿掉，它才會是一個真正代表直接民意的民主程序。

2. 澄清主體意識為共識的好處在哪裡？我認為是讓台灣民主健全一點，一旦澄清主體意識是多數共識以後，大家就不用在那邊掏心掏肺地喊說我最愛台灣，或是只有 『我們』是正港的台灣人。一旦政治家/政客們體認到愛國主義/國族主義無法有效吸票的時候，他們才會專注在用政策、牛肉一較高下，這就是所謂的誘因。

老實說，我個人認為不論是所謂本土文化代表去挺馬蕭，或是外省人後裔去挺長昌都是非常好的現象；這表示我們的政治文化已經開始在跨出族群的隔閡。說我天真 無知還是樂觀都好，但我真的不買那套什麼：大家不要傻了，國民黨是騙肖仔，對外說愛台灣，背地裡去北京出賣台灣之類的說法；不過我的確也贊成：國民黨應該 將他們對台灣國際地位的看法說清楚，不能只喊要拼經濟。一個國家層級的執政政府，不管是哪黨執政，都必須在外交、內政上有一定的看法和施政藍圖，否則就是 沒有執政的擔當。

3. 講到民進黨政府補助學生參加示威這點，我們去見駐歐大使高英茂時其實有被詢問經費上有沒有困難，但我們當場說明經費都向私人募捐，無需協助。

U.N. for Taiwan

活動聲明稿

【台灣向前行 ─ 加入聯合國】

邀請世界各地身邊外國友人聲援

我們是一群留學海外的臺灣學生，每每跟身旁國際友人談起臺灣，總會遇到他們這樣的疑問：「既然在臺灣，你們有依據自己的憲法所組成的自己的政府、從自己的政府發出的自己的護照，還有由自己的人民投票所選出的自己的民意代表、由自己的民意代表所制定出的自己的公共政策，那為什麼你們還是不被當成一個國家來看待？」

為什麼？最普遍的答案就是中國政府的打壓以及國際政治的現實，但做為留學生的我們也體認到，國際間還不夠了解臺灣人民的集體意識！因此，不管個人選民的政黨偏好是是紅、橘、黃、綠、藍、靛、紫，我們都該向外疾呼我們一致認同的事實 ─ 臺灣人民是生活在獨立憲政體制下，擁有活躍民主政治的自由公民 ─ 而向國際發聲的第一步，便是爭取成為聯合國的一員。台灣加入聯合國的公投不只關係到台灣國際形象，更是台灣人民集體意識的具體展現，不管台灣島內對這個議題是如何地分歧，是「中華民國返聯」還是「以台灣名義入聯」，在國際上只會有一個聲音：「台灣要加入聯合國」(UN membership FOR TAIWAN)。

台灣內部或許會有人覺得：台灣加入聯合國公投沒有什麼用，或是認為這是某政黨的政治操作，公投又無法馬上進入聯合國等等，因而冷淡地對待這次台灣加入聯合國的活動。但是我們憂心的是：一旦入/返聯公投「沒通過」，在國際上傳達出的訊息將是：台灣不願意加入聯合國，或是台灣人民傾向與中國統一、接受中國政府統治。可以預見的是，一旦台灣入/返聯公投沒有過關，更可以讓對岸中國大做文章：「台灣本來就是中國的ㄧ部分。你看，台灣人民也反對與偉大祖國分離。」

在海外求學的我們，經常切身體驗到台灣的國際地位低落，不僅在當地的居留證常寫著『China-Taiwan』，也因為許多外國政府受到中國的威脅，以一個中國為理由，繼續拒絕承認台灣為一個主權國家之外；在台灣入/返聯公投舉辦之際，甚至否定台灣入/返聯公投的合理性。儘管這些外國政府不支持我們，我們身邊卻有許多外國友人支持「台灣加入聯合國」的決定。【台灣向前行─加入聯合國】的活動目的，就是要將世界各地國際友人的支持化為具體的文字、影像傳回臺灣，讓因政黨鬥爭而對政治感到心灰意冷的臺灣人民重新燃起表達自身意志的熱情。

本次活動集結了台灣青年海外學子以及海外僑民的努力，我們用「多語宣傳稿」，包括中、英、法、德、荷、西、義、日、越南、馬來等多種語言，以個人身分親自邀請身邊的外國友人、海外台灣人，請他們以「明信片」、「照片上傳」的方式，來聲援台灣加入聯合國，讓台灣面對殘酷的國際局勢時，不會覺得孤單。因為「台灣加入聯合國的公投」並沒有錯，我們沒有用暴力手段去傷害任何人，只是單純地、和平地、集體地表達我們需要國際承認的願望，並希望未來的台灣政府持續地為承認而努力。

我們預計在公投前夕，在台北展出所有國際友人寄回臺灣的明信片及上傳照片。我們也呼籲目前在海外的台灣人，不論你在世界的那個角落，請一起加入我們的行列，向您身邊的所有國際友人宣傳並尋求他們的支持。


發起團體：
比利時魯汶大學(法語)同學會

已連署團體：
澳洲雪梨科技大學台灣同學會、比利時安特衛普同學會、法國法南台灣學生會、德國杜塞道夫台灣同學會、德國司圖加特台灣同學會、荷蘭萊頓博士班學生會、歐洲人文研究協會、台灣英社.....(陸續加入中)。


活動負責人：李聖凱 (比利時魯汶大學(法語)同學會會長)
活動發言人：沈怡伶 (比利時魯汶大學(法語)同學會前任會長)
連絡方式：louvaintaiwan@gmail.com
活動網頁：http://formosa.brl.idv.tw

八字

雖說這個年頭越來越多人不信八字這一套，但做為好女兒的我，還是乖乖交出我和小巴的生辰八字，好讓媽媽可以去找個師父選幾個好日子。

只是八字交出去之後，老爸老媽就跟著親友團去日本玩了一個禮拜的雪，直到週末才回來。期間我和小巴自己也忍不住好奇，上網查了農民曆，看到底哪些日子是『宜嫁娶』。查的時候我還信誓旦旦地跟他說：我們現在查的是好日子的「集合」，我媽找師父則是要問出哪個「子集合」是好日子中的好日子。另外為了方便解釋找師父合八字到底是怎麼一回事，我也做出這樣的比喻：總之差不多就是，師父那邊有一套他們行家才知道的 algorithm，當我們把生辰八字當作 input 輸入後，output 就會是所謂的良辰吉時。

直到今天媽媽打電話過來，我才知道我的理解實在是太膚淺了！師父的 algorithm 竟然也算出包括各種『忌嫁娶』，甚至是『諸事不宜』的日子，也就是說原來農民曆的宜/忌/沖等指標並不構成好日子的必要條件。總之，良辰吉時的演算是一項講究在地化、個人化的服務，並非上網google一下農民曆，再限制一下日期範圍，就可以稍窺奧妙的精深秘技。

Stand up against the absurd political reality.

最近新魯汶這兒的臺灣學生們常常碰面，因為開始在緊鑼密鼓地籌畫活動，要尋找外籍友人寄明信片回臺灣支持公投。覺得這件事情重要的主要原因是，公投已經超越政爭的範疇，它是臺灣人民向國際發聲的重要管道，(兩個公投加起來的)最後支持率將會宣告出我們是不是不願意再被孤立的重要訊息。

最近有兩個incidents，
第一個是立法院選舉結束後，康拔的準姊夫跟我說：「我看(法蘭德斯區的)報紙上說，臺灣藍營大勝，指出臺灣人民傾向和中國統一。」
第二個是康拔幫我們找人簽署明信片時，某退休在即的美籍研究員回應：他不想干涉臺灣內政，因為臺灣人民對於獨立與否的意見仍舊分歧，尤其是在國民黨國會大勝以後， 他更覺得不可以貿然簽署支持獨立的活動。

第一個incident聽起來就是媒體沒有好好做功課，把數個高度相關但不等同的事情給畫上等號了；第二個incident卻比較嚇人一點，是看了沒有好好做功課的媒體以後，自己產生出的定見。我覺得對臺灣政黨選擇的最簡易解釋是下面的 specification：

政黨選擇 = b0 + b1*主體意識 + b2*統/獨/現狀dummy + b3*經濟 +b4*(主體意識*經濟)+ u

雖然沒有資料可以run, 但我相信b1-b4都是significant，而且主體意識和統/獨/現狀並不會有太嚴重的multicolinearity的問題。可是首先，significant coefficient只是代表了在其他右手邊的變項給定之下，具有哪個特質的人會傾向於投票給哪個政黨，但卻並不表示他或她__一__定__會作出此般選擇，例如：一個一般說來會投給彩虹政黨的人，可能會因為彩虹政黨執政時經濟萎靡造成個人失業而轉投給黑白政黨；再者，我也不認為我們會遇到simultaneity的問題，意即投票給哪個政黨會影響個人的主體意識或統獨選擇，也就是因果關係是由右邊跑向左邊，沒有左向右的問題。

因此，這些大聲嚷嚷臺灣人民的政黨選擇體現臺灣人民統獨選擇的媒體(或政客)，實在是該抓起來打屁屁，根本就是在混淆視聽嘛！

我覺得對待公投的視角，不應該是一味擔憂臺灣政治內鬥的加深，而該把它當作一個對外宣告臺灣人民自決 (self-determination) 決心的機會，宣告公投是民主國家賦予公民的權利，宣告：
「We are really fed up with China's aggressive campaign to isolate Taiwan from the rest of the world!」

以下，是我在 the Heritage Foundation看到的文章段落擷選，which best describes the absurd political reality:

Still, American officials are irritated by Taiwan's referendum. They see it as a cynical political move by some Taipei leaders seeking domestic electoral advantage. Of course, politics cannot but be some part of the equation. Policy and politics intersect in the U.S. political system—especially during election time. Why would it not be the case in Taiwan, a sister democracy approaching two momentous national elections?

But this is about more than just about politicians jockeying for position. Surely, Beijing's single-minded determination to stamp out all international reference to the democratic government in Taipei in an effort to bolster its own legitimacy is no more extraordinary than democratic Taiwan's desperate struggle to shore up its eroding international personality. So, as President Bush and his advisors fret about Taiwan's democratic processes, they might also consider that China's war threats are far more inimical to U.S. interests than Taiwan's referendum.

short stay

3/30阿姆斯特丹飛台北，4/10回程。剛下好單。

要申請文件。

可以出席多年來一直缺席的清明節。(雖然是不該貪吃的時節，但忍不住也有想到斗南阿伯家的好吃自助式春捲 -- 一大張新鮮麵皮，先用湯匙鋪平一層白糖、灑滿一整張的花生粉，再來要填上豐盛的炒麵、高麗菜、蛋皮等等，最後的重頭戲是得想辦法把自己的貪吃包成一捲不會露餡的美味。)

雖然想回去投票，但台幣上萬的機票差價終究還是勸阻了我跨出好公民的第一步。

臺灣？歐洲？

我和小巴最近在思考討論，等我畢業還有他的博士後結束後該何去何從的課題。雖然離我畢業至少還有一年的時間，不過人總是要有那麼一點點前瞻性嘛。;=)

本來私心是這樣盼望的，在昨天寫給第三小隊的信裡面：

對我來說，目前心裡面想到最美好的光景卻是我和小巴各在台南附近的哪間(有網球場的)大學找到工作，每週有好幾天可以陪我爸媽一起吃飯，週末可以去安平看外婆，天氣好的時候還可以順道在安平漁港附近散步；遇到連續假期時，就搭上高鐵去各地拜訪朋友、聊個一下午的天。

可是小巴的理論領域指導教授在收到他詢問臺灣某大學研究團隊的信件不久後，就急匆匆地回覆了一封"勸君止步"意味濃厚的給愛徒書(大致翻譯如下)。可是、可是.. 這個團隊看起來已經是臺灣在此領域最優秀加上經費寬裕的研究單位了耶，那我的回台美夢豈不就可以宣告破碎！？雖然這傢伙的確是個沒有多少野心的人物，也說我真要回臺灣他就跟我回去，開計程車也行，可是我才不想擔負起什麼破壞光明前程的重大罪名呀。那相較之下，是不是我這個能力比較差的就該乖乖認份，當起偉大科學家背後的那個黃臉婆呢？卡西恩太太說得沒錯，在誠心接受是兩個人的狀態以後，很多決定就變得複雜了起來...

=== (信件一: 理論指導教授) ===

親愛的康拔：

展信愉快並祝新年快樂！

我熟識XXX教授，也聽說他在臺灣有很豐厚的資源在進行XX研究。我深信你可以在他的團隊裡工作並且貢獻良多，但問題是：你的前途呢？

我個人的看法是，你在那裡不會有什麼光明前程。是的，在那裡待上一年或許不錯，但再久一點，你將會和我們領域裡的主流研究脫節。

在更深入瞭解XX跨國實驗室的近期計畫後，我會說未來的發展機會將立基在XX之XX的模型建立上。以目前的環境和分配給各國團隊有限的實驗時間等等來看，模型建立將會扮演起前所未見的重要角色。這個趨勢還是風行草偃，因為XXX已視此為優先事項。因為你有多樣化的背景還有與生俱來的天份，加上你還如此年輕，如果持續待在主流研究裡的話，你將俱備獨一無二的優勢。

我給你的建議是這樣：先找出哪個歐洲研究團隊是目前在我們領域裡面最被看好的，然後寄出你的履歷給他們。最理想的狀況是，如果你能成為XX跨國研究團隊裡專攻模型建立的成員，你將可以參與未來數年裡最刺激有趣、最具影響力的研究。

祝 好。

XXX 敬啟

註:XXX (康拔的博士答辯委員之一)要回歐洲接下XXX研究院院長的位置了。如果你在找新的工作的話，應該跟他連絡。

=== (信件二: 實驗指導教授) ===

嗨，康拔

我認識XXX, 他之前是在P大學任教。我認為就職業生涯來說，你最好的發展機會應該是要建立起你自己在歐洲的名聲並且在XX跨國實驗室工作。待在台灣做XX理論的話，你或許會找到點樂子，但也就只是這樣。我想XXX(康拔的理論指導教授)已經建議你聯絡剛接下XX研究院院長一職的XXX；如果你希望的話，我可以跟他提一下你在找工作，或許他那兒有空缺在找人。我知道你女朋友給你壓力，這是沒辦法避免的，我好幾年前就看出來會有今天這樣的局面。總之一切都取決於你想要有什麼樣的生涯發展，我認為一個優秀出眾的XX學家如你，實在不應該這麼早就退休。

祝 好。

XXX 敬啟

如果附的是拉鍊，是不是就簡單多了？

"一直到第五年，我都覺得可以試著從零開始；但是呢，一排扣子只要第一顆扣錯了，要重新來過就得花上更多的時間。只是一個不注意，扣錯的扣子就隨著歲月流逝而愈來愈多，這排扣子雖然有點醜，但不知怎麼地卻讓人很心安。"

出處：「椿山課長的那七天」，p.235.
19/12，于台南高鐵站上車前挑到的車中讀物, instead of "In Cold Blood."

2008 新年新希望

短程希望：
@一月可以再有自己的研究室，安靜地專心努力畢業。
@多多跑步，多多游泳。

中程希望：
@春天可以開始打荷語區網球排名賽。
@夏天可以上山至少一個禮拜。

長程希望：
@心存厚道，多說好話。
@少一點私心，多把自己的愛與關懷化為實質行動。
@希望自己珍惜的人都知道我的珍惜，別把別人的珍惜視為當然且要回報。

蕾亞語錄

1. 咦？天已經黑了。不過[路]燈還亮著，那我們假裝天還亮著，好嗎？

2. 我不是小美女，我已經四歲了啦！我是中美女。

3. 我已經幫弟弟取好名字了，叫作Leon。(據懷孕的蕾亞媽媽說，她堅持不肯要別的名字。)

4. 我還是比較想要妹妹。因為男生臭臭的。

5. ...(蕾亞由哭轉笑)...對啦，我忘記帶我的書了，所以我才在哭。

6. 妳去我家幫我拿書，我留在這裡，外面很冷，我的外套不好。...(幾經說服後，終於露出真面目)... 妳去我家就好了，因為我很懶惰，我不要出去。

7. 我畫卡片給Alia，她是我的copine，她的生日已經過了，我要把卡片給她。...(???)... 生日過了才可以送卡片啊。

8. ...(蕾亞在畫另一張生日卡)... 這是給我自己的卡片，我的生日已經過了，所以才要卡片。

Assumptions

It's easy to make fun of this story. Nobody, not even Nobel-winning economists, really makes decisions that way. But most economists—myself included—nonetheless find Economic Man useful, with the understanding that he's an idealized representation of what we really think is going on. People do have preferences, even if those preferences can't really be expressed by a precise utility function; they usually make sensible decisions, even if they don't literally maximize utility. You might ask, why not represent people the way they really are? The answer is that abstraction, strategic simplification, is the only way we can impose some intellectual order on the complexity of economic life. And the assumption of rational behavior has been a particularly fruitful simplification.

The question, however, is how far to push it. (......)

From: "Who was Milton Friedman?" by Paul Krugman
(the following responses to this article can be found at http://www.nybooks.com/articles/20015)

Critics

A quote from the animation Ratatouille:

Anton Ego: In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face is that, in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is more meaningful than our criticism designating it so. But there are times when a critic truly risks something, and that is in the discovery and defense of the new. Last night, I experienced something new, an extraordinary meal from a singularly unexpected source. To say that both the meal and its maker have challenged my preconceptions is a gross understatement. They have rocked me to my core. In the past, I have made no secret of my disdain for Chef Gusteau's famous motto: Anyone can cook. But I realize that only now do I truly understand what he meant. Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere. It is difficult to imagine more humble origins than those of the genius now cooking at Gusteau's, who is, in this critic's opinion, nothing less than the finest chef in France. I will be returning to Gusteau's soon, hungry for more.

(source of the quote: IMDB)

JOEI

記下：被EJ二審退回的文章，在17/9 送到JOEI。

肉腳不再心酸

小時後恨死體育課了，因為肉腳第一名的我總是那少數幾個被老師淘汰不能參加接力賽的，而且不管量什麼體能紀錄，我不是跑的最慢就是跳的最短；國中時被體育老師叫出去做跨欄最糟示範，高中時還因為差點又被淘汰不能參加班際排球比賽，而在午休時暗自垂淚。唉，完全就是肉腳心酸史啊！

但自從做運動是自己的自由選擇時，我卻喜歡上跑跑跳跳，因為就算再怎麼肉腳也沒人管你，反而可以真正享受到運動的樂趣。

就在這樣的背景下，肉腳小螺今天在小逸板上留下了這樣的感想，宣告肉腳心酸史的結束以及肌肉小螺時代的開始 ;-D -----

=====
那個馬拉松，是啊，跟同學打賭十月中要去跑一半的馬拉松，只是目前距
離21公里的目標還遠得很哪，而且依照我的龜速，可能至少要三小時才跑
的完。上天賜給我神力吧！

那個陽光健康講得太過誇張了啦，現在生病起來還是照樣咳個半死呀。我
只是出國後開始對身上冒出肌肉有極度的癖好，加上年紀大了不可以再用
打架宣洩暴力(笑)，所以才會開始比較認真地運動。雖然仍舊是肉腳一
枚，不過我覺得好處多多，好像會比較有毅力一些，也會比較願意挑戰自
己的體能，而且像打網球的話還有社交功能哩。

對了，那天看到村上春樹的報導，說他會參加鐵人比賽呢！記得他寫到說
跑步是一個人獨處的好運動，現在可以跑稍微長一點點時也覺得是呢，長
跑的時候要很注意自己的呼吸、心跳，好像全世界只剩下這件事帶有意義
(不過大概只有肉腳如我會這樣 :-p)，跑完之後會有「Ah, I've
accomplished something meaningful」這樣的小小滿足感，然後計畫著
下次要怎麼調整才可以跑長一點、久一點。

卡驚喜

七月中後就嚷嚷著說要從德國來看我們的卡西鵡小姐剛剛從MSN上傳來訊息，本來以為是要實現諾言的消息，結果是更大的驚喜 (:=D)：

大喜一：卡西鵡小姐年底要變成卡西恩太太了！(明年八月婚宴)
大喜二：卡太太將從明年二月開始身兼卡教授，在清大教授電眼送光波。

小驚一：九月十三，我們一群比利時學生、僑民在歐盟總部前聲援台灣入聯的影片，竟然有傳到洛杉磯去哩；卡小姐從洛杉磯友人那邊看到我呆頭呆腦舉牌子的樣子。

永恆的日落

轉個身，我背向影子，探索另一邊的視野；
那頭  光影舞動，撩亂眼花。

豎起耳，有窸窣之聲，
瞪著眼，我秉氣凝神；
卻  是抑鬱啜泣，從耳後積累。

分了心，讓浪潮撲來，打在身後的一陣陣，
是  鹹濕淚水。

轉個身，我面向影子，心虛這一頭的忽略；
此廂  磕頭道歉，哭花了臉。

時正午，嘴巴說啞了聲，
日西下，眼神求祈寬憫；
可  影子只越拉越長，長
而  不作聲。

別過頭，我望向那邊，看見日頭急紅了臉；
怎奈 縱使拋在身後，長影仍舊隨形。

分秒  已消逝無痕，
可日  怎不復一日？
流去的時光只 將  影   子    拉     長；

焦躁的火紅未曾  從地景褪去；
不需拉著把椅子，
轉過身，我選擇那頭，背向無邊際的長影，
耳後窸窣伴著我
陪伴  永恆日落。

皮膚的顏色

不曉得自己是不是對這種事情特別注意喔，總之就是會對因為皮膚顏色引起的差別特遇比較敏感。

之前待了兩年半的種族大鎔爐洛杉磯，是一個本國人和外國人的分界只能用文件定義的地方，在那裡，連一句笑嘻嘻的友善問候都可能只是因為神經太大條沒選對辭彙而被指控為種族歧視。舉例來說，有次我到Rite-Aid (藥局超市)買感冒藥，處方籤給了藥劑師後還要排隊一陣子等著領藥。那時排我前頭的是位年輕亞裔女子，不過因為我的藥先好，所以藥劑師先叫的是我的名字，只是藥劑師憑著印象以為是前頭那位女子的藥便要給她，後來意會過來那其實是我的藥時，藥劑師便笑笑地道歉：「不好意思，我把你們兩個的面孔搞混了。」沒想到前頭那位女子非常不爽地回說：「哼，我們亞裔臉孔對你來說都一模一樣是吧！」

從這樣我覺得老實說有點over的地方搬到本族意識比較強烈的歐洲，可想而知差別有多大。當然大部份人都會把你當客人友善地對待 (就連在這邊出生長大的"外族人"也都是客人) ，但偶爾還是會遇到很明顯就是因為皮膚顏色而對你有差別待遇的「歇斯底里老古板」。會用這樣的稱呼是因為我認為很多這樣的人其實並非真正的種族歧視者，他們只是腦袋有點僵化，不然就是被新聞、報紙、電影給嚇得歇斯底里的可憐人；這些人被制約的反應不是「鈴聲—口水」，而是「有色人種—乞討/搶劫」。

最近出城兩趟，就經歷及旁觀了此種歇斯底里反應。

第一趟是和朋友們去義大利爬山，回來時入境瑞士山區要加油時發生的。當時德國天才肌肉男 I 把車停好拿著 pump 要加油，怎知怎麼按就是沒有一滴油流出來，於是他說有可能是要先付錢才能加油；眼看義大利放電正姊 E 正在晃神，而加油站也沒半個員工站崗，我便跑向一對正加好油要驅車離開的歐洲夫妻詢問。

跑到駕駛車窗旁，我用法文喊著：「不好意思，不好意思...」想說他們會拉下車窗跟我講話，怎知駕駛座上的先生竟然一臉懷疑兼驚嚇的樣子就是沒有動作。我不死心繼續喊了幾次：「不好意思...」，這位先生才小心翼翼地打開一小道門縫，仍舊是一臉懷疑兼驚嚇。我繼續用法文詢問：「請問我們應該要先付款嗎？」結果這位先生馬上從懷疑驚嚇的臉色轉變成 "你是智障嗎？"的表情，丟下一句：「你當然要付錢！」就大力關上車門，咻地開走了。

對這情形，我個人的解讀即是：歇斯底里老古板被制約反應。當下當然是氣的要命，不過又能怎麼辦呢？

第二趟也是去義大利，到 Lake Garda 去參加 summer school。回程時我們必須搭火車到 Bergamo 轉搭飛機，這次我是和義大利 couple – 謙遜狀元 D 和害羞素食 C – 以及盧森堡又壯又醉漢 L 一起。下火車時D和C走在前頭，中間是L, 我落在最後，由於 C 天生行動不便，所以下車時我們都慢慢來。當我還在車廂裡頭等著前頭的同學們下車時，車廂外突然起了一陣騷動，只聽見一個義大利女人連珠炮般地抱怨和咒罵，中間夾雜著一些辨識不清的其他聲音。

下了車趕忙問同學們是怎麼一回事，D 帶著不滿和抱不平的臉色解釋說，下車時這位義大利女士走在前頭，後頭則是個非洲黑人，由於下車時大家都一片匆忙，一不小心難免會有肢體接觸或碰到他人的行李背包；而這位非洲仁兄則是不小心碰到了義大利女士的手提包，怎知這位女士大驚小怪又小題大作，驚呼著說這位仁兄意圖要搶她的包包，還說要馬上叫警察來逮捕他。C 是當地出生長大的，無奈地跟我們說這座城市是義大利極右派的重要基地，所以這種法西斯的行為反應並非特例。

這種刻板印象的指控真的是非常之 pathetic 喔，好像在說某人長的像電影上的壞人，那他就一定是壞人一樣，殊不知這部電影的壞蛋演員很可能就是下部電影的慈善大好人，one's appearance tells little about him or her。

去年在布魯塞爾中央車站發生的 MP3 player 搶劫不成殺人案，一開始媒體也是言之鑿鑿地說根據某某消息來源，目擊者及錄影顯示都確定兇手是北非或中東人士，結果最後呢？是一個波蘭裔波蘭籍，白的不能再白的「血統純正」歐洲人。到底是怎麼樣把白人誤認為深色皮膚的人呢？這應該跟腦袋裡頭的被制約反應有那麼點關係吧！一說到搶劫，人們的灰色小小腦細胞就替臉孔不明的加害人漆上了棕黑膚色。

當然每個族裔和國家之間都會有些文化和習俗的差異，有些差異甚至可能讓人不可思議甚至無法贊同 (像我就必須說我會受不了某些非洲人不常洗澡的濃厚氣味，不過有些歐洲人也是喔)，但若是由這些差異來判定人心善惡就也太過無限上綱。我甚至覺得，如果不把歇斯底里老古板的被制約反應去除，兩族人就很難坐下來談彼此的差異，而不互相指控種族歧視。

Chong-Lan 2007 -- Part X

Gone

Her heart beat slowed, blood pressure dropped, and the oxygen density in her blood slid down. It was time to return home.

Madam Lin, the wife of the hospital director, rushed to the hospice chamber. At Chong-Lan’s bedside, she was handed over N.T.$100,000 from Chong-Lan’s eldest sister. It was Chong-Lan’s well wish for Lotus du Coeur.

“Life after life, one incarnation after the other, you are well fated to walk on the godly path. Keep on your good job!” said Madam Lin, who helped Chong-Lan to put on a necklace made of Buddhist beads and with the picture of Master Cheung-Yan. “Master Cheug-Yan blesses you and thanks you. Here is your red envelope of fortune and wisdom. Like the ear of rice printed on the red envelope, you plant the tiny seeds that will burgeon and grow into full grains. You will benefit many more others.” Madam Lin wished Chong-Lan the best, and she told her that the journey of life was like a trip on the train, which ascends and descends at all times, and that we only have to sit tight with complete ease and let it be.

It seemed that Chong-Lan was aware of everyone’s good wishes for her. She nodded slightly. Her lips trembled a little as if she attempted to say something in response. Just like all along the way, she insisted to thank people’s kindness even though she was already physically so very weak and so very lack of strength.

Dear family and friends,

This is your fairy Chong-Lan Shen.
Now, I happily return to the Heaven.
I am very grateful for all your love for me.
Hundreds of thousands thanks.

Chong-Lan 2007 -- Part IX

Content

Some days after checking into Lotus du Coeur for the third time, her bowel peristalsis ceased, and eventually, she could not digest anymore. Her cousin, who rushed to her bedside from Hsinchu, held up the cup carefully so that Chong-Lan could taste the lemon-flavored jelly fig through a straw. “I. Tasted. It.” said Chong-Lan with a faint breath, but you could still feel her happiness. The bittersweet taste of jelly fig was like what Chong-Lan often referred in Lotus du Coeur as “the taste of content”. The taste came back again and again to sweeten up her heart…

After some slight coughs, Chong-Lan could not help but closed her eyes and journeyed into her dreamland.

“Dragging this elephant leg…” laughed Chong-Lan when she was checked into the hospice for the second time, just before Chinese New Year.
“Don’t you want to draw on it a…” Dr. Shih-Chi Chen paused for a moment.
“An elephant!” Chong-Lan finished his sentence immediately. They looked at each other and started to laugh.

“The least patient-like patient is going home. Ha! Ha! Ha!” On the eighteenth day, Chong-Lan was laughing wholeheartedly because she was going home for the Chinese New Year. The nurses and the volunteers came to say goodbye. Although the ambiance was exuberant, it was somehow a little gloomy because Lotus du Coeur was goning to be quiet for a while without the Jokester. Her eldest sister just came back from fetching the pills that they had to bring home. “Twice a day. Take it with breakfast and with dinner. You have to break it into half and take only half each time. And this, take it only when you feel pain, and that, take it when it's necessary. These are the orange pills, and this is for coughing...” explained Hsio-Mei item by item. She was the nurse who was going to deliver her baby soon.

Chong-Lan, who was organizing her purse, took out a picture and said, “This is the picture that I plan to display in my funeral.” She looked a lot older in that picture. Even though she was 37 years old, many people thought that Chong-Lan was only in her twenties. The nurses and the sisters all maintained that she looked younger as how she was now and suggested her have another picture taken. “That's all right!” said Chong-Lan, “I'm a fairy and I'm going back to the Heaven!”

The old Sister Quan-Quan came in and gave Chong-Lan a big hug.

“I’m collecting your benign ‘chi’. Ha! Ha! Ha!” said Chong-Lan who was hugging the sister tight, “I wanna become prettier and prettier, and even prettier, and have a good path ahead after saying farewell! I’m absorbing your benign ‘chi’. How are you gonna deal with it?”
“I’ll give you all my best and pull everything bad to me,” said the sister with sympathy.
Chong-Lan responded, “No, no way!”
The sister told her not to worry, “I’m very old. It doesn’t matter!”
“Still no, even though you’re old. We both have only benign ‘chi’. There is nothing bad!” Chong-Lan always managed to bring our sad thoughts to the more positive side.

Hsio-Mei, with tears in her eyes, melancholically asked Chong-Lan to come to visit them in Lotus du Coeur. Half-jokingly, Chong-Lan commented, “Pregnant women like to cry!”

“Come to have a picture together,” Chong-Lan called out to everybody. Squeezing each other on the bed, her eldest sister pressed the shutter button and made her a souvenir. A sister tried to console Chong-Lan by saying that, “You have to believe that you’re not ill!” Chong-Lan replied that it did not matter whether she was ill or not, since she had struck the balance.

With everything ready, she was going to go downstairs and wait for her father to come to pick them up. Sister Quan-Quan gave her a kiss. “I’m so lucky and content!” said Chong-Lan satisfactorily with her eyes shut. “Happy Chinese New Year! Happy Chinese Valentine’s Day!” They were Hsio-Mei’s wishes for her, and Chong-Lan replied, “I’m very happy everyday!”

“Sister Quan-Quan loves you.”

“The least patient-like patient is going home. Here’s my kiss for you!”

After returning home, it was the ninth day of the lunar calendar year that Chong-Lan began to feel her strength vanishing. She checked into Lotus du Coeur for the third time and asked herself if it would be the last time? While Chong-Lan was sleeping, her eldest sister was worried that, although she had laughed, chatted and eaten a lot yesterday, Chong-Lan spent most of the time sleeping today.

Eyes open again, Chong-Lan said, “Sometimes, I fall asleep just like that. I even don’t realize it.” Chong-Lan felt hungry, so her eldest sister went to the kitchen in Lotus du Coeur to warm up some dumplings. It took only a few minutes, and the dumplings were still covered by steaming vapor on top. With tiny bites, Chong-Lan chewed and swallowed them slowly. Sometimes it was almost like a freeze frame shot and she seemed to be falling asleep again. “Today, it’s taking me enormous amount of efforts to go to the toilet, and I don’t know from when I won’t be able to walk,” laughed Chong-Lan, who usually finished her sentences with a loud laughter. However, it became less and less audible.

These two days, Dr, Shih-Chi Chen invited some patients to observe cherry blossom in Ali Shan. Although she was not able to join, Chong-Lan asked her eldest sister to bring the pictures from last year’s cherry blossom trip in the mountain. In addition to reminding herself of that beautiful memory, it was also for others to look at her cheerful faces in the pictures. Dr. Chen printed out the pictures immediately after coming back from this year’s trip.

“I’m coming this afternoon,” said Dr. Cehen.
“Maybe I’ll be sleeping in the afternoon,” replied Chong-Lan with a naughty smile.
“Then I’ll wake you up with the pictures.” Dr. Chen pretended to respond in a matter-of-factly way.
“Whatever. I’m not fired yet from Lotus du Coeur. So far, I’m here to stay,” said Chong-Lan.

The friend who was looking at her photo albums asked Chong-Lan if she went on this year’s trip to Ali Shan. Immediately Dr. Chen replied, “No, but it’s all right. I’ll make it up. I’ll invite Chong-Lan for coffee. I know at least some basic manners.” And, everybody was laughing out loud at his reply.

The next day, Chong-Lan’s conditions suddenly improved. Her cheeks were apple red with sunshine spilling into her hospice chamber. Everyone was joyfully taking pictures with Chong-Lan. Dr. Chen came to say hello and told her that, at noon, there would be a young child with leukemia checking into the room next door. You could see on Chong-Lan’s face that she felt really sorry. However, she never complained about her own conditions. Later on, this child was shrieking out of agony. The sound penetrated the wall, clearly and heart-piercingly. Chong-Lan did not mind, and asked Dr. Chen to tell the next-door child’s parents that it did not disturb her at all.

Every time when she checked out from Lotus du Coeur, Chong-Lan would asked her eldest sister to help her donate N.T.$10,000 to the Tzuichi foundation. “You should aim to become an honorary director,” said Dr. Chen, who came to encourage her when hearing that Chong-Lan was checked in again. Chong-Lan said, “Not bad in this way. If I donote N.T.$10,000 each time when I check out, I’ll have to check in and check out a lot of times so as to donate a million in total!” Then, Dr. Chen did a little calculation and said, “But, it will take a long time. Maybe I’ll be retired by then.” Chong-Lan said that when her time was up, she would like to donate N.T.$100,000 to Lotus du Coeur, in the hope that the Hospice will be able to bring warmth and happiness to more patients.

“I had a belly stroke!”

Pointing at her own belly, Chong-Lan told us reservedly that her intestine just suffered from hemorrhage. Her organs were perishing and her bowel peristalsis had ceased to function. It seemed that, in a split second, she was unable to eat and to insist that she must walk her way to the toilet, and finally she had to wear an oxygen mask. With her whole body collapsed in the bed, she was not able to move her legs even slightly. All she could do was – to wait for the arrivals of rounds and rounds of agony. Nevertheless, every time when the nurses finished injections and feeding her medicine, Chong-Lan still insisted to turned her head and uttered, “Thank you.” with the corners of her lip faintly moving up.

The intervals became shorter and shorter between each measurement of blood pressure and oxygen density. “I’d like to return home at my last moment” was Chong-Lan’s wish. In the very last few days, everybody was following Chong-Lan’s breath with full concentration. “Na Mo Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva.” Fearing that if Chong-Lan suddenly woke up, she might be panicked and confused by her own whereabouts, Dr. Chen sent over a sutra broadcasting machine, which prayed softly at her bedside day and night.

One day in the late afternoon, the hospital chamber was unexpectedly full of stir and movement. With great efforts, Chong-Lan opened her eyes and let out a shiny smile that had not been seen for several days.

“The situation is getting worse! We shouldn’t hide it from you,” said Hsio-Mei the nurse, who brought her newborn child to show to "Auntie" Chong-Lan before taking the baby home.
“I brought my baby to visit you.” Hsio-Mei, with tears in her eyes upon entering the room, placed her baby beside Chong-Lan’s pillow.
Chong-Lan turned her head to look and responded, “What a beautiful baby! Such a cutie!” and tenderly she touched the baby.
“I hope she will grow as beautiful as you,” said Hsio-Mei.
“Surly much more beautiful than me,” replied Chong-Lan.
“And becomes a fairy like you!” Eyes still full of tears, Hsio-Mei smiled.

Watching Hsio-Mei choking slightly with low sobs, Chong-Lan said, “Please don’t feel sad. I’m very grateful for all your care for me. Thank you so much!” As if exhausting her last bit of strength, she uttered with rough voice, “I’m very lucky and very happy. Thanks so much! I really appreciate your sincere and truehearted friendship.”

Chong-Lan told us that she was so content and so happy, and she asked us not to feel sad anymore!

Chong-Lan 2007 -- Part VIII

Voyage

“When I’m gone, just think of me like I take my suitcase and go on a trip abroad!”

On this New Year’s day, Chong-Lan put her words into action. With her eldest sister, her second sister and her cousins, she began to organize her luggage: winter clothes, summer outfits, pants, shorts, dresses as well as shoes, purses, and her favorite lotion. Everything that one could think about was neatly packed up. She wanted to prepare for it earlier, so when it was time to go, she would not rush into a muddle. But this time, she had no plan to return.

With a clicking sound, she opened the suitcase that she had finished organizing for a while. “These are the shoes that I packed up. They are all old ones, a lot of ‘Skinnie’ [a shoe brand], though now I have to wear ‘Fattie’!” Chong-Lan made fun of herself.

“These are the clothes that I’ll put on the day when I pass away.” Chong-Lan displayed a green long-sleeved and round-necked shirt, with little flowered prints around the collar. To go with it, she had a pair of ivory-colored trousers and a pair of casual shoes in a similar color. “This is my favorite set of clothes. I always put them on when I go out. They are comfortable to wear and people are most familiar with them!” Chong-Lan said that simplicity was what mattered. But, being a woman after all, she also packed up a pair of lady’s shoes that she liked to wear.

Among all her clothes, there was also a little stuffed bear. Chong-Lan said that this was her favorite little bear that had been accompanying her since the first day of her surgery, so she would also like to bring it along on her journey.

There were quite a few of stuffs in her suitcase! There was a hand-sized bottle of lotion, which Chong-Lan always put on before going out. “I told my sister that she must apply this lotion on me. It smells a bit of perfume. It was my most familiar perfume.” Chong-Lan said that she had been using it for more than ten years, so when people smell this perfume, they would know that she is back.

There was also a necklace that her boyfriend gave her as a gift. Chong-Lan said that it was inflammable.

Besides her preparation for the upcoming journey, Chong-Lan also gave out her belongings one by one. She did not feel sad but instead cheered up by it. “I like to use stuffs with good quality, so if I can’t wear them, it’s not a good idea to just put them away.” Chong-Lan said that sometimes she liked to look cute, and that was why she bought a pair of cute boots. Since the daughter of her eldest sister was already 20 years old and since she liked them and looked good in them, Chong-Lan was more than happy to give her these boots. “If I keep on living, it’s all right. I won’t ask them back. I’ll just buy new ones because they will be fashionable,” laughed Chong-Lan.

There was also her jewelry. As the idiom goes, “Genuine gold is not fusible by fire,” it would be of no use to cremate all the items of her jewelry, so she decided to give away to whoever fit with them. Chong-Lan said that it was better that she gave away her belongings in person than that they were being forwarded after she passed away. “I feel so relaxed after giving them away! There’s nothing that I can’t let go of and there’s no more pressure. When I left these valuables at home, I was scared that they might get stolen, but after all, I have absolutely no need of these stuffs. I don’t wear them anyway.” Chong-Lan said it with certainty that she would not purchase jewelry anymore even if she could have lived for 30 more years.

Before Chinese New Year, Chong-Lan asked her eldest sister urgently to help her look for a card. A couple of years ago, Chong-Lan heard that in Do-Liu there was a blood-testing event to recruit marrow donors. “Heaven knows somehow there may be a lucky coincidence by God’s will. There are so many people in the whole world. It will be fantastic if there’s a good match.” With positive anticipation, she rolled up her sleeves, had her blood sample taken, and left her record in their archive.

It is even more unlikely to have a successful match than winning lottery. Chong-Lan said, “I didn’t expect that I’d have cancer, and now I’m not qualified anymore!” She asked her sister that, after finding her donor’s card, she should call the organization to remove her record so that it will not occupy any disk space, and also because she could not help if she is matched up.

Her optimistic personality also had a trace of casualness. “It came out of the blue!” Chong-Lan recalled that she still had a savings account and so she decided to monetarily adopt a child through a nonprofit organization. “I’m not married and I have no children.” Chong-Lan told her adopted child to call her auntie. Fearing that the child might be worried, Chong-Lan did not talk about her having cancer. Chong-Lan said that she would keep on her monetary adoption as long as she lived and that she planned to donate the rest of her savings in this account to the nonprofit organization.

“Time to eat,” called out her father from downstairs. Chong-Lan repacked her suitcase then closed it, and painstakingly, she stood up using the table to support herself. Feeling greatly relieved, she said, “Now they all know what to do!” Chong-Lan said that, if she was not prepared and her family would arrange something that she did not like, then “I’ll be upset!” Therefore, she had everything arranged. “I’m very happy that I could arrange everything by myself. I’m out of breath.”

In order not to have her parents feeling sad, Chong-lan tried to change the mood in her family by portraying it as going on a happy holiday trip abroad. Chong-Lan traveled overseas each year, sometimes with her sisters and sometimes with her mother. In fact, it also worked to cheer up herself. When death was coming within reach, she chose to face and accept it. She greeted the end with her own best wishes. It was not that different from traveling abroad or from emigrating, except that she would not come back again.

Holding onto the railing, she came downstairs step by step. She walked to the dinning table and sat down. Then, she took the big bowl that was designated for her and painted with the cartoon of Goofy dog. Chong-Lan always took a small sip of soup first, and then started to take big bites of every wonderful dish prepared by her mother.

Her father, who was retired from the Retired Soldier Engineering Association, and her mother did a very good job on the kitchen garden next to their house. “All the vegetables that we are eating today were planted in our kitchen garden, including cabbage, lettuce, peas, and radish in the soup.” In addition to vegetables, the rice and the fruits also came from their own farm. “We have a grape plant but it has no fruit yet. There are Java apples but we haven’t tasted them. We also have oranges, bananas, sugar canes, and sugar apples, one plant each. We have no longans anymore, and the coconut tree was dead, so now there’s no more coconut juice to drink.” Chong-Lan had no difficulty to point out every single detail in their kitchen garden.

Mealtime was Chong-lan’s happiest moements. Her father who was eating beside also took big bites of every dish. As for her mother, she would be working for a little bit more before join them for the meal. Although her parents did not talk much, their hard work was silently presented with the rich harvest from their garden.

If she did not show people her legs, probably nobody would have believed that Chong-Lan was ill.

“Some people who are a bit chubbier have legs bigger than yours!” consoled her mother, who could not stop feeling sorry for her daughter’s illness. Her mood fluctuated up and down with Chong-Lan’s conditions.
“Yeah, as long as I don’t cough,” responded Chong-Lan.
Her mother suggested, “I’ll help you replace the thin one with a thicker one!”
“I don’t want that. I want the thicker one replaced by a thinner one. Otherwise, it’s way too heavy, too heavy to walk up the stairs!”
“Okay, deal. I’ll get a thinner one for you.”

Mother and daughter finally reached their agreement.

“My mum is a simple countrywoman.” Sometimes Chong-Lan would tell her, “Mum, I love you the most!” And then, her mother would reply, “If I don’t love you, whom shall I love!”

Chong-Lan 2007 -- Part VII

Attitude

“It looks normal like this, but when compared with my other leg, it’s apparently abnormal,” laughed Chong-Lan at her own words. Moving her toes around, Chong-Lan showed us her legs that are of absolutely different sizes. “It began to swell since December last year. It’s because of lymph liquid that my right leg is swollen. In addition to the pricking pain, it also gives me the burning sensation from time to time.” To cool it down, Chong-Lan liked to stretch her leg out of the blanket. She said that she should take very good care of it!

“Sore, painful. I don’t feel well neither lying down nor sitting still. My legs are rigid when I stand up. My thighs hurt and they become very hard. It burns and feels hot and scorching…” described Chong-Lan her own conditions. However, she was reluctant to follow the suggestions of Dr. Shih-Chi Chen and other nurses that they can install a Foley catheter for her or that she can use a bedpan. She was not even willing to use walking aids. Although she had to go to the restroom quite frequently, she would have rather tottered, with her back hunched like an aged lady and her weight on the right leg, and approached the restroom inch by inch.

As long as she could move on her own, Chong-Lan insisted to do it herself because these were the only occasions when she could still have some exercise. Most important of all, Chong-Lan did not wish to bring more burden to others.

Today, Chong-Lan’s boss, along with some female colleagues from the clinic, came to visit her in the hospital chamber. Out of their expectation, Chong-Lan greeted them with a cozy and relaxed look. “Thank you very much for visiting me,” said Chong-Lan with a big smile.

“You must have put on some make-up!?” Her boss wondered out loud. “You look awesome!”
“No, I didn’t!” said Chong-Lan. She asked if they were surprised.
“Wow,” uttered her boss in a surprised tone, “Did I take the wrong guess?”
Beside them, Chong-Lan’s eldest sister ended the debate by saying, “She looks prettier and prettier everyday in the hospice!”
“Yeap, since I’m here to alleviate my pain.” said Chong-Lan. The only thing was that her right leg was so swollen that it was difficult for her to walk around, whereas her left one grew thinner and thinner. “One side is a giraffe, and the other is an elephant!”

It was almost Chinese New Year. In addition to paying for her health insurance in the last two years, Chong-Lan’s boss handed her a big red envelope for every Chinese New Year.

“Rest well and stay healthy,” said her boss.
“I’ve done my best and there’s no more I can do,” responded Chong-Lan with a laugh.
“Just live your life as it was before!” Her boss told her that the most important thing in life is one’s feelings, which are also what accounts in interpersonal relationships, and that we do not have to care too much about being able to live longer or shorter since it was not the real meaning of life.

“I feel very happy here and feel surrounded by warmth!” Every time when Chong-Lan returned to Lotus du Coeur, she could settle down easily and tried to relax as much as she could, which was very different from many other patients’ unwillingness to stay for even one second. “I happen to be able to talk now. I’m very happy. In the past two years, it’s been me who’s enjoying my life. Sometimes I feel like a real queen! This week I can’t get a massage because I got an acute inflammation; otherwise, my family and the nurses always come to give me massages. I eat a lot and it’s the same when I go back home. I really feel like a queen!”

“Actually, I was already an optimistic person before.” Chong-Lan said that she would think about the upside as well as the downside. Since she liked to watch comedies, she would blend the gags into her real life and make it as a funny episode. In this way, she could adapt herself quickly into new situations and always think from the bright side.

Some said that Chong-Lan was thinking from the dark side when she decided to quit chemotherapy. They argued that, perhaps after some while, there would be more advanced chemotherapies and Chong-Lan could be cured then! However, Chong-Lan did not think in the same manner. She did not want to become constantly occupied by chemical medications. “I was not thinking from the downside. Although I gave up on chemo, so far I haven’t got the attitude that ‘I’m gonna die.’ I won’t be thinking that ‘I’m gonna die anyways’ and so just look at everything in a pessimistic way.”

What Chong-Lan was thinking about was that she might live a shorter life but she must live it more happily. Especially when she felt the love and warmth from people surrounding her, she really enjoyed it and felt ever happier. The only exception was when she was coughing very hard or when her leg was hurting a lot, then she would really feel that her deadline was approaching. “But coming to the hospice and with Dr. Chen’s attentive care, my pain is eased and I feel… erh, like the distance to death becomes a bit farther again. Also, the sisters come to talk to me everyday and give me warmth. That makes me feel really happy. My eldest sister told me that I have become prettier and prettier everyday since I came here.”

“Really!” Chong-Lan said, “I also have the feeling that I’m less and less like a patient, like I’m pretending to be one. I’m so happy!”

Skipping ageing, there are only birth, illness, and then death. In this way, everyone will remember her young and pretty look. Chong-Lan said that it was as if her lessons of life were compressed into one short class. She thanked God for his mercy that her cancer was discovered before she ever stepped into the next stage of life — getting married and having children — and that she did not have to worry that nobody would take care of her if she have had become ill at an old age. In particular, she thanked God for granting her the gift that her cancer was not the most tormenting type and that during her illness she came to know many things and many people and benefited from countless love.